If You Give a Man a Manicure…

* This post is in no way related to the brilliant work of author Laura Numeroff’s If You Give a Mouse a Cookie,  http://lauranumeroff.com/index.htm although mice and men do have several things in common 😉

  Screen bean character wearing a top hat and looking in a mirror

If you give a man a manicure, he will probably want a pedicure to go with it.

As he is watching the foreigner poke at his toes, he will start thinking about how old his shoes are getting.

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After the pedicure he will most likely go to the shoe store and try on several pairs. When he finds the one he likes best, he will want to get some clothes to go with the shoes.

While looking for shirts, he will notice how tan the models for each brand are. He will buy some clothes and go off to the tanning bed.

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As he is laying in the bed, his back will probably hurt which will make him think he should get a massage.

When he leaves the masseuse, he will walk past a barber shop and decide to stop in for a trim and a shave.

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If he starts walking away from the shop after his haircut, a little girl will probably tell him he “looks pretty”.

When he looks at his reflection in the shop window, he will be horrified and hurry home to fix everything. He will; mow the lawn, change the oil in the car, dig a ditch, etc. Until he is hot, dirty, and stinky.

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When he feels like a man again, he will want to get a little cleaned up.

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As he tries to get the dirt and oil out from his finger nails, he will realize he might need…

a manicure.

Ok, forget what I was talking about earlier

Whatever I had been thinking about earlier is a lost cause now. I have been entertaining kids, making brownies, cleaning up, etc. and any kind of though provoking material is non-existent at this moment. All I can think about is kids and moms, so, without further ado I bring you:

You might be a mom if…

If you catch yourself humming the Spongebob tune during random times of the day…you might be a mom.

If you would rather your husband take the kids on a date instead of you…you might be a mom.

If you have ever remembered to “log in” to certain websites in order to earn points, fake money, free virtual food…you might be a mom.

If tighter sweat pants count as “dressed up”…you might be a mom.

If tv dinners look better to you now than when you were in the college dorm…you might be a mom.

If your search history includes things like “how to make play dough, rashes on arms, items up noses, etc.”…you might be a mom.

If the term “tear-jerker” reminds you of Bambi…you might be a mom.

If you know the names of each main character in 3 or more daytime cartoons…you might be a mom.

If grilled cheese and tomato soup count as a more sophisticated dinner than usual…you might be mom.

If you are hated, embarrassed, proud, depressed, happy, lonely, overwhelmed, exhausted and loved all within a few hours…you might be a mom.

Whether you had, have, or are one; I hope you appreciate moms who are doing their best, even if it’s not always perfect. Until next playdate…

Quick thought…more later today

There are two types of people who others gawk at: the beautiful and the disfigured/disabled/”freaks”. It would serve each well to think of themselves as the other.

(I know, way too deep thoughtful, etc. I will elaborate later, but now my house is about to be invaded by 5 and 7 year olds for a playdate. Prayers and sympathies are appreciated…)

Temporary fixes for permanent problems

As I carefully backed my wheelchair over the wobbly ramp I had thrown together the other day, I started thinking about how many things I do that momentarily solve problems, but in the long run are pretty much useless.

Things like: putting makeup on, exercising, laundry, cooking, mowing, etc. Why is it that we spend so much time and effort on things that ultimately don’t matter? Ok, maybe we get pleasure from the acts, but that doesn’t usually last either. Short-term fixes are usually cheaper too, which I’m sure is a big reason they are so popular. So in the name of posterity, I have come up with more permanent fixes for these repetitive problems:

Putting makeup on – Permanent makeup aka tattoos. Not only would you never have to dirty wash-rags with your blue eyeshadow or hot pink lipstick; you could become a conversation topic everywhere you go. As for wrinkles and bags under the eyes, it has been said that if you put a vacuum cleaner hose up to your right ear, you can tighten your entire face with the push of a button. (This works best in front of a large group of people because wrinkles and bags tend to have stage fright.) *BONUS: Cuts down on TV commercial volume changes.

Exercising – This one is easy…clone yourself when you are in the best shape of your life. Freeze the clone (so it wouldn’t lose shape) and have a brain transplant when the weight starts coming back.

Laundry – Crayola might already be working on this one…dry erase clothes. Teens can make their own fashion statement, kids can practice their alphabet, and best of all…no laundry, just rub it off.

Cooking – Aside from a never-ending supply of space food, I’m not too sure about this one. Well, I guess you could go on that raw food diet thing, but that is still a lot of prep and mess. Probably the easiest thing would be to focus all scientific endeavors on finding a cure for bodily waste. If it’s not empty you can’t fill it up.

Mowing – Fake grass if you can afford it, if not, spray painted dirt. It might not have the same feel under your toes, but you could easily have the greenest yard on the block.

Ode to WordPress

How wonderful I think of thee.

I type, although I need to pee.

Fat and thin, all alike

Can act like we swim or ride a bike.

My stats so often I will check,

That I soon get a cramp in my neck.

My butt is sore, my legs are hairy

But to walk away now would be quite scary

Cause, what if someone would subscribe

Besides the two I had to bribe?

So here all day I’ll faithfully sit

With each new post, hoping people like it.

Oh WordPress I could never do

Without my only friend….that’s you.


Why did I go outside?

The thought of finally getting to go somewhere was thrilling…not so much the actual going. Did anyone know that it is about 110 degrees out there? Now add a 7 and a 5-year-old on your (slowly rolling so that we wouldn’t tip the wheelchair over) lap and it gets up to about 150.

Actually, it still was fun to go out without a driver. We ended up buying some candy, nail polish (for 5-year-old), super glue, freezer pops, toy skate boards (for 7-year-old), and more candy.  Oh yeah, drinks of course. We almost tipped the wheelchair a few times, and I’m sure everyone who passed by us must have thought we were a circus act.

Overall, a very fun, exciting, dangerous and hot adventure. I think we might submit the story to that I Shouldn’t Be Alive television show. I hope everyone who reads this enjoys their nice air-conditioned cars with seats for everyone. I do think we might have experienced more of an adventure than any other trip to the Dollar Store though.

Be prepared donut shop, we are coming for you next.

I’m in!

After being a prisoner in my home for the past three months (I got to go out sometimes with a walker, but I use a wheelchair most of the time and we didn’t have a ramp); I got up the courage to make a ramp into our garage.

There is just one step so I put some barbell weights staggered like stairs and placed a card table on it. My wheelchair is about 400 pounds, so I wasn’t sure if it would hold up, but I tried anyway and guess what? I made it…no broken bones, doors, card table, weights, etc! Now I can take the kids to Dollar General, Subway, a Donut shop, a bank, a liquor store…ok, scratch that last one.

As you can tell I am pretty excited and just wanted to share that. Being disabled does not mean you are helpless or any less creative than anyone else. In fact, I might just write a post about that. Thanks for letting me share my excitement.

Why Writers Belong Behind Bars

Although the following wasn’t talking of the “bars” that many writers frequent, it is still a valid point. Really either type of bar would be a perfect place to get some good writing done.

This was on writer/editor Erin Healy‘s Facebook and I thought it worthy of sharing. The full article is pretty long, so here is the link:


From a strictly literary point of view, prison was the best thing that ever happened to the Marquis de Sade. Other writers should be so lucky….

Questions to ask your psychiatrist:

If life is like a box of chocolates, how did my family get all the nuts?

But really, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck?

Did you hear the one about the lawyer who…

What do the voices in your head say?

This couch is comfy. Could I stay here a few days?

If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

How do I know you’re real?

I think they implanted it in my  right butt cheek. Could you check?

How does it make you feel?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it yell louder?

Who told you that I can’t remember anything?

Can’t we just blame it on the in-laws?

Wheelchair Sexy?

Since I’m sure that I am not the only one out there who feels incredibly unattractive due to something we can’t fix with makeup, I thought I would come up with some ideas for looking sexy for my husband while I am in a wheelchair.

  • Hot glue 8 inch heels to the footrest of the wheelchair. (Just make sure to put some of those furniture slider things on the bottom so you don’t scratch the floor).
  • Buy a hot pink feathered boa. I haven’t figured out what to do with it yet, but it sounded good.
  • When riding in your wheelchair, make swaying/fishtail motions with it, like you are a model on the runway.
  • Drop something on the floor, say “oops” and instead of using your grabber thing, lean over the side of the chair and attempt to pick it up. This move could backfire if not done in a reasonable amount of time, so if you can’t pick it up just take your shirt off.
  • Grab a broom handle and rotate around it with your wheelchair while making alluring hand motions.

*Disclaimer – Do not attempt any of these super sexy moves with out first discussing them with your doctor.