Twas the day before Christmas…in July

Twas Almost Black Friday…

Twas Thanksgiving night and all through the house,

Crumbs were disappearing, it must be a mouse.

My kids stuff was flung around with no care

For who else might trip and fly up in the air.

I had just sent my little ones up to their beds

Cause they had been running and had soon bumped their heads.

And I in my pjs, looking like crap,

Would give almost anything for a short little nap.

When from upstairs there arose such a clatter,

I ran up the stairs, now what was the matter?

Away toward the first room I ran like a flash,

But my foot hit a toy and I started to crash.

The laughter that followed as I looked from below

Made me think I saw evil in their little eyes glow.

As I got off the floor their looks changed to fear.

As my teeth tightly clenched and I said “come here dear”.

They are lucky I didn’t have my good spanking stick;

They’d be crying so loudly DHS would come quick.

Since I was hormonal my mood began to tame

As they quickly apologized (though not with much shame).

Now You! Now You! You’d better start fix’in

The mess that you made. What is that you were mix’in?

From the stuff in your room to the stuff in the hall

You’d better get cleaning; get cleaning it all.

They started to whine and they started to cry

And then I remembered “It’s almost Black Fri.”

If I don’t get going, the sales will be through

So I got quickly dressed; and out the door I flew.

And then in the parking lot I discovered the truth,

With this kind of crowd I would really have to sleuth.

As I squeezed into a parking spot, way in the back,

Someone slapped the hood of my car with a “whack”.

He was dressed in rags from his head to his foot.

His hair was a good place for bugs to take root.

A bag of used cans he held over his back

He showed no shame at all when he asked me for crack.

Hi eyes they were bloodshot, his face kind of scary

With deep lines and wrinkles, nose and ears hairy.

His twitches were frequent, some fast, some slow

I quickly decided to get down low.

He slowly rolled his eyes around like a wreath,

I threw the car in reverse when I saw his black teeth.

As I pulled away I saw his really thin belly

His arms looked like they’d been splattered with jelly.

“Is this really worth the sales on the shelf?”

As I drove I was thinking these thoughts to myself.

“Surely the other lots won’t be quite so crowded,

And the people won’t all be messed up in the head.”

But as I scanned other stores I knew it wouldn’t work

Black Friday shoppers are like that crack-head jerk.

So I drove toward the house, it was good I suppose

Spending is already why Hubby’s blood pressure rose.

I spent the rest of the night looking for a “call for help” whistle,

Thanking God that the crack-head did not have a pistol.

As I tucked myself in and turned out the light;

I thought “Black Friday never turns out right!”

The Hobbler


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