How to tell if your kids are ready to go back to school:


They want you to only make lunches that fit in their lunch box.

They think sitting around watching t.v. all day is “too boring”.

They start to play school and don’t even mind being the student.

They remind you of how smart they are because of their teachers. No Mom/Dad necessary.

They start complaining about all their current clothes or lack there of (mostly older kids).

Neighborhood kids are not as cool as they were when summer started.

You catch your son/daughter reading when they could play video games.

They start asking if they can have specific “supplies” thanks to the mass retail stores putting school stuff out early.

They are fighting with their siblings…scratch that, they are always fighting.

Most importantly: If Dad and Mom are ready for them to go back…they are as ready as they need to be.

Hackers are people too…


Since my facebook and more recently my email have been hacked, I have been thinking about these people who we all know sit around in their boxers all day trying to destroy as many people as possible.

I decided that in the name of political correctness, I should probably change my mental image of these grossly obese nerdy people who have nothing better to do. In theory, these people could actually be very different from the way I picture them. They could be:

  • Alien abductees implanted with a device that allows them to access other human’s information and transmit that information back to their abductors who will use it to distribute fake “enhancement” products which are actually more implants.
  • Teenagers who spent their childhood with a creepy mother saying “They’re all gonna laugh at you” and who now want to destroy everything they touch.
  • Cat’s who are trying to take over the world…don’t worry, the dogs are coming up with a plan to save us. (Actually, since I am a cat person, I think it is the other way around; although I’m not sure dogs would have the intelligence to try something like that).
  • Idiot savants who can only access other people’s info but can’t create their own.
  • Plankton from the Sponge Bob show who is only looking for the Crabby Patty recipe mixed in with all of our info.

So, next time someone gets your information, remember that it could be some poor soul, and just change your passwords, restore your computer, alert the credit bureaus, etc. and say a prayer for the poor person/thing that can’t help but destroy people’s life.

Why write a blog? Top Ten


10. You tried out for “America’s Got Talent” and didn’t make the cut.

9. You are too fat to leave the house.

8. The kids think you are “working” when you write.

7. You are a conspiracy theorist and don’t trust people who are “real”.

6. You are too boring in person.

5. Life offers too many stupid people and situations to ignore.

4. You want to be able to look back some day and say “see, I told you so”.

3. You have too much time to sit around and do nothing.

2. You need to have a written record so you can prove how funny you are.

1. You have more words to say than people want to hear.

Things men do better than women.


Pass gas – *rated on volume, frequency, pitch and smell

Sweat – it looks like they’ve been working hard if they just step outside

Drive…please don’t hate me ladies, it’s just true

Cook – (Hell’s Kitchen, Top Chef, Cake Boss, Grill Master…) to bad they don’t do it more

Save stuff – heroic rescues, worn out shoes, burnt up spark plugs, stray hardware, empty toilet paper rolls, etc.

Things women do better than men:

Gossip – *rated on volume, frequency, pitch and smell 😉

Look pretty – Before all you drag queens send hate mail, who are you trying to look like?

Organize – aesthetically pleasing, practical, ease of use, etc.

Listen – (we can talk more too)

Have Babies – Before you say that men can’t physically have babies, remember that pregnant man several years ago? Haven’t heard much about him lately, maybe it’s because women are better at having babies.

 

 

 

Anti Useless Words Campaign


While cleaning the counters and I heard one of my son’s friends say “Oh my g_____”. I told him not to say that and my son quickly replied “can he say oh my gosh” and shortly after that, “can he say oh my“. Soon after that discussion, I heard the boys saying “dude, ________. As I was noticing the frequency of seemingly pointless words, the little girls came downstairs and said “we are like moving out”. (They had packed little suitcases).

This got me thinking of why we feel the need to use words that really have no purpose. Which of course got me thinking about Little House on the Prairie…yes, that is how my mind works. I don’t remember Nellie saying “Oh my _______. I am like, so totally going to push you into the mud dude.”

So, I am going to start an anti-useless words campaign. For one day I am going to try to not say anything that doesn’t have any purpose to see how hard it is. If you would like to join me, just comment back “Dude, I am like, so, totally in.” Let’s make the world a quieter (which always seems smarter) place.

Twas the day before Christmas…in July


Twas Almost Black Friday…

Twas Thanksgiving night and all through the house,

Crumbs were disappearing, it must be a mouse.

My kids stuff was flung around with no care

For who else might trip and fly up in the air.

I had just sent my little ones up to their beds

Cause they had been running and had soon bumped their heads.

And I in my pjs, looking like crap,

Would give almost anything for a short little nap.

When from upstairs there arose such a clatter,

I ran up the stairs, now what was the matter?

Away toward the first room I ran like a flash,

But my foot hit a toy and I started to crash.

The laughter that followed as I looked from below

Made me think I saw evil in their little eyes glow.

As I got off the floor their looks changed to fear.

As my teeth tightly clenched and I said “come here dear”.

They are lucky I didn’t have my good spanking stick;

They’d be crying so loudly DHS would come quick.

Since I was hormonal my mood began to tame

As they quickly apologized (though not with much shame).

Now You! Now You! You’d better start fix’in

The mess that you made. What is that you were mix’in?

From the stuff in your room to the stuff in the hall

You’d better get cleaning; get cleaning it all.

They started to whine and they started to cry

And then I remembered “It’s almost Black Fri.”

If I don’t get going, the sales will be through

So I got quickly dressed; and out the door I flew.

And then in the parking lot I discovered the truth,

With this kind of crowd I would really have to sleuth.

As I squeezed into a parking spot, way in the back,

Someone slapped the hood of my car with a “whack”.

He was dressed in rags from his head to his foot.

His hair was a good place for bugs to take root.

A bag of used cans he held over his back

He showed no shame at all when he asked me for crack.

Hi eyes they were bloodshot, his face kind of scary

With deep lines and wrinkles, nose and ears hairy.

His twitches were frequent, some fast, some slow

I quickly decided to get down low.

He slowly rolled his eyes around like a wreath,

I threw the car in reverse when I saw his black teeth.

As I pulled away I saw his really thin belly

His arms looked like they’d been splattered with jelly.

“Is this really worth the sales on the shelf?”

As I drove I was thinking these thoughts to myself.

“Surely the other lots won’t be quite so crowded,

And the people won’t all be messed up in the head.”

But as I scanned other stores I knew it wouldn’t work

Black Friday shoppers are like that crack-head jerk.

So I drove toward the house, it was good I suppose

Spending is already why Hubby’s blood pressure rose.

I spent the rest of the night looking for a “call for help” whistle,

Thanking God that the crack-head did not have a pistol.

As I tucked myself in and turned out the light;

I thought “Black Friday never turns out right!”

The Hobbler

Top five companies trying to take over the world


#5 – Apple corporation – iPhones, iPods, iTunes…  Indistructable Idealistic Individuals Intent on Instant Information Idolitry. Yep, you heard it here first folks.

#4 – eharmony and match.com – Anyone who is single has undoubtedly had someone suggest one of these sites to you in a “loving” and “well-meaning” way. Since “1 in 4 relationships begins online” some of the people reading this “met their fiance or spouse” with one of those sites. Their fine print probably states their true intentions of convincing us that no one would really like us in person, so we should spend our lives on one of their sites. To all my single friends, I say stand up to the machine! Lots of people still meet in bars and get married in Vegas. Don’t lose hope! 🙂

#3 – Charmin Toilet Paper – No one wants their bear behind to have little pieces left on it, and everyone needs to wipe their butt. Enough said.

#2 – Taco Bell: From their old commercials with the Taco Bell Dog (Yo Quiero Taco Bell) to their insistence of the existence of “Fourth Meal”, Taco Bell has been sending a clear message that they are necessary for our survival in this modern world. Even their cute little messages on packages of salsa are enough to alert any respectable conspiracy theorist to their true intentions. Don’t forget their famous April Fool’s Day Hoax in which they reportedly were buying the Liberty Bell. We are onto you, you mouth-watering, flavorful company who demands our late night craving…

#1 – Facebook: Where else can you connect with long-lost friends, interact with people you hardly know, play games and annoy others with each little detail of the game, share the intimate details of your life-like what you are having for dinner or where you are at this very second, answer random questions about people, etc.? What isn’t so easy to access is how much information Facebook is storing about you, what Facebook does with that information, and whether or not Facebook is an elaborate alien infrastructure set up to analyze earth’s weaknesses in an attempt to destroy us from the inside out.

If you are already taken over by any of these companies, please understand that these comments do not necessarily represent the opinions of my other personalities, so don’t come after me with your scary zombie friends.

Paperwork


I was looking around my bedroom last night and I noticed the many papers lying all over the place. “Where do all these come from?” I thought, and then I sat down to figure it out. Each week I attend some kind of church service or function four times for sure. my younger children account for 8 church papers per week minimum. Each school day Ryan brings home at least one paper from 1st grade. Every Thursday we get two Thursday folders from my kids. Each Thursday folder contains an average of 10 papers. My older kids rarely bring home papers, so I will just leave those out. So far the weekly total is 33 papers from my kids, and that is not to mention the papers we receive such as church bulletins, prayer lists, Bible study guides, and the never ending mail/junk mail.

The point of this rundown is basically to let everyone know, it is okay if your desk/table/counter is buried under a pile of papers that never seem to disappear. I have meticulously sorted, filed, shredded, trashed, and even framed papers, but they keep coming back and trying to take over. It is like a bad twilight zone episode. Anyway, if I ever come to any of your houses, don’t worry about shutting doors and stashing paperwork piles in closets, because I do understand. Husbands, please give your wives a break and ease up on the clutter issue (or visa-versa if the guys are the ones who handle that). Each paper looked at, piled up, thrown away, filed, or shredded; has taken minutes from the organizers time that she/he will never have again. The piles of papers are signs that the sorter cares enough to want to take their time and look at them before throwing them away, which (I think) deserves some appreciation.

Just because you don’t hear God, doesn’t mean He doesn’t hear you


Just because you don’t see God, doesn’t mean He doesn’t see you.

Just because you don’t believe in God, doesn’t mean He doesn’t believe in you.

Just because you feel alone, doesn’t mean you are.

Just because God doesn’t answer, doesn’t mean He doesn’t care.

I don’t know why God is sometimes silent, but I know He is still there. I have made a lot of choices in life that I regret now. That doesn’t mean that He has given up on me. Sometimes I cry out and wonder if anyone cares. He does. Even when I don’t feel it.

The thing about God is that He is not a feeling. Sometimes you feel Him. Sometimes you see something so beautiful that it takes your breath away and even if you don’t believe in God, you just know that there is something bigger than you that created the awe you feel in that moment.

Even if you can’t talk to God. He can hear your heart. God loves you. He even loves me. Even if I don’t deserve it. None of us really do. God is bigger than our biggest mistakes and even though sometimes I feel hopeless, I know that I can’t always trust my feelings. I hope you know that too.

Birthday Cakes


I love making birthday cakes, so here are some of the ones I have made for my kids.

Football Cake

This one consisted of a 9/13 inch cake and a round chocolate cake. the football was cut from the round cake and placed on the 9/13 with lots of frosting to hold it up. The cake which had surrounded the football cutout, was crumbled to use as dirt around the football and on the cake board.

Lego Castle Cake

Ok, don’t be too harsh, this cake had fondant on it which I made myself out of an internet recipe. Needless to say, the cake looked like it was melting, but the concept was good. I used 3 square cake pans stacked for the castle. It was supposed to have a lot more detail, but I was running out of time, so we just called it good. The grass around the castle is colored coconut, the castle used texture tiles and spray on food coloring from Duff Goldman (http://www.duff.com/products). It would have looked really cool if I had used better fondant, but my son still liked it. I stuck some lego characters heads and torso’s into the cakes windows, used lego castle sets for the top and surrounding toys, and the alligators in the moat were from some lego pirate sets he had at home.

One of the best parts of this party was the activities. I ordered a bunch of “lego pick a brick” body parts, hats and tools/weapons for them to hold, and we had 5 games to “earn” each piece of the minifigure. *If you decide to do this, allow at least two weeks from the time you order the parts before the party.  One game involved a box with various lego bricks (plain rectangles or squares from my son’s room) with the weapons or tools mixed in. The kids had to reach their hand through a hole in the box and feel around for the lego accessories. They then kept what they found. They also popped balloons that were tied around eachothers legs, built lego cars to race down a board in the driveway (which the only two girls in the party won :)), built their initial with legos, and tried to make a shape out of a twisty balloon (my 13 year old made different real balloon animals, swords, flowers, etc for them to take home after they tried to make their own. Super fun party and the pick a brick legos we used for door prizes were a lot cheaper than if we had bought the characters at the lego store.

 

This cake was for my son’s Monster Truck Mud Party. I made a batch of cupcakes and a 9/13 cake, frosted both with chocolate frosting and crumbled the 9 x 13 to use as mud around the Monster truck toy I bought for his present. For my kids birthday’s, I always like to get a present (legos, polly pockets, barbies, whatever they are into) and then I decorate the cake to match the toy.

For this party the kids played in a mud pool (as shown) made mud pies, played with army guys in the mud, and had a pinata candy and a toy car for their gift bags. It was very fun, and that picture with the kids in the mud pool is one of my favorites.

This was one of th cakes I made for my daughter a few years ago. You can buy the pans to make a doll cake, but I just used round cakes and tried to taper them to make it look like a dress. It wasn’t my favorite cake…that one I am desperately trying to find a picture of,  but anyway, it was cute and she liked it.

Well, until I find more pictures, I am going to have to post these.

Remember, If you aren’t that much into decorating cakes, just get a little toy that your child is interested in and place the toy on top of the cake. doesn’t get much easier than that.