One of the main reasons I like to write is because I hate to talk. Actually I like to talk, I just don’t like the results. Miscommunication, annoyance (why are you repeating yourself? yeah, I know, etc.), and rejection (the”listener” is actually watching tv or something) are some of the things I don’t like about talking.
Unfortunately even if you stop talking, people will still talk to you and want you to respond. It was with this mind-set that I have written yet another top ten list. Please enjoy.
Things to do instead of talk:
10. Pick your nose – the person wanting you to talk will be so grossed out that they don’t care if you don’t answer.
9. Sing your answers – it will only take a few conversations before the talkers regret conversing with you.
8. Talk with your mouth full – although most of us enjoyed this as children, it becomes a dying art as you get older…let’s bring back our childhood.
7. Bring every conversation back around to your cat (even if you don’t have one) – it won’t be long before people steer clear of “the weird cat guy/girl”. They might even tell their friends not to talk to you.
6. Adopt an accent – Australian, European, even Texan accents that are obviously fake (very important to sound fake, real accents may have the opposite effect) can be a wonderful discouragement for talkers.
5. Pretend you didn’t hear what they asked/said – after a few “what was that”, “huh”, “umm okay?” comments your talker will get tired of trying and will give up.
4. Have an onion in your pocket – This one might even prevent the talker from trying to converse with you. For the stubborn talkers, break off a piece of onion and chew it loudly like it was gum while you talk.
3. Start undressing when people talk to you – Whether or not the person likes you, undressing is enough of a distraction to make them forget what they were talking about.
2. Stare at one of their body parts and make disgusted faces while they talk to you – even the chattiest person will soon be rushing off to the restroom to see what was so gross.
1. Pretend they aren’t there – you can’t talk to what you can’t see/hear…(unless you are a celebrity on drugs or something like that).
*These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA. Use at your own risk.