What you should do if you win $1,000,000

We have all heard of lottery winners who have just blown through the money they’ve won and who are now homeless, smelly, and mean.

To keep this from happening to you, please follow the wisdom of the ages…aka my advice.

If you win a million dollars you should:

Buy a burial plot – Not many winners have followed this advice but if you win, believe me, you will want people knowing that you thought you were rich long after you have left this world.

Women – all over body permanent hair removal (think of the time and money you will save over the course of a year, let alone your life.

Men – permanent tan (everyone knows that even ugly people look more attractive with a tan. If someone has not invented permanent tans by the time you win, head to your local tattoo shop).

Invest – this idea seems obvious, but if you are not sure which company to invest in, remember permanent tanning.

Charity – If you don’t give something to charity, everyone is going to think you are a jerk, so designate an amount for a charity you like (stay away from starving kids, or people with diseases. Those will just spend, spend, spend. Your best bet is old Scrooges…they know how to handle money).

Buy a gun – People will come after you to get to your money, so buy a really good gun and lots of ammo.

Up your insurance – Everything you have is worth more when you are worth more, so upgrade all of your insurances.

Bury at least some of it – It is your duty as an American to bury something of value that you may never find again. Draw a treasure map with a big X to help you find it later.

Write a book – If you are rich, people will read it. Enough said.

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