1st Day of School


Analog wall clock

Well, today was the first day of school for this year, so now I have approximately 2 hours and 37 minutes (my youngest is only half-day) each weekday to myself. As excited as I am about this new-found freedom, I found myself wasting 31 minutes (until I started typing this) already today just trying to decide what to do. To prevent this from happening tomorrow (and the rest of the school year) here are some of the things that I could do with my time, so I can have a handy-dandy list to help me make a quick decision tomorrow.

  • Clean – Okay, so this one is a definite necessity, but for whatever reason it seems like a complete waste of time to me…I keep thinking: Yeah, but I could clean when the kids are home too, so why waste the alone time on boring stuff?
  • Read – I love to read, but this one too I could probably do while the kids are home (although the limited interruptions would be a nice change).
  • Wax – Gross I know, but waxing body hair is difficult to do when you have kids pounding on the bathroom door or screaming and crying.
  • Paperwork – I really don’t even know why I typed that. I hate paperwork…filing, paying bills, faxing my probation officer…yuck. See http://wp.me/p1Cvgh-z.
  • Blog – this one is also one of those…wait a second…I’m doing it now…What! 13 more minutes gone? Bye.

Funny People and Thanks for Your Support!


First I want to thank everyone who has taken time out of their busy lives to read my blog. I have had over a thousand views since I started writing this (thanks in part to my sister Beth, who has about 1 million people who love her and will do anything she suggests, like look at my blog).

There are so many wonderful bloggers on WordPress that I hate to mention anyone but since I sometimes get quite depressed and enjoy good humor, I’ve got to mention two of my favorites (there might be some foul language or off-color comments occasionally, so if you are offended easily just check out the humor section of “freshly pressed”…there are way too many funny people):

The Life and Times of Nathan Badley: http://badlandsbadley.wordpress.com/

Japecake: http://japecake.wordpress.com/

The thing I love most is seeing the blogs of people who have seen mine. There is such a brilliant community of people. Almost everyone whose blog I have read seems to have something in common with me. It is a beautiful and diverse world.

Thanks again!

What’s the big deal about being “in love”?


Like most people I am often swept away by romantic notions, and beautiful love stories…wait a second, that was me before I was married.

Don’t get me wrong here, I love my husband and am very happy with our relationship. I am just thinking of how different our relationship is now than when we started dating. Back in the “falling in love” stage. We have now reached the “deciding to love” or “recognizing our cooperative potential” stage.

Sometimes my husband looks at me and I can tell he still sees a little of why he married me. Sometimes I see him and feel like a teenager recognizing that this man is better than any other. That being said, there are a lot of times when we both seem more stuck together than happily united.

They say (and by “they” I mean the select group that determines how long you should wait before swimming or what you should wear in the springtime) that the “in love” stage of a relationship lasts about 2 years. Since this is a passing stage, I thought I should give some pointers on how to know when you are past this stage. So, here are some ways to tell if you are beyond this beginning phase of the relationship:

  • If you ask your husband if you are as pretty as _____________, and he laughs.
  • If your wife would rather you take the kids on a date than her.
  • If you can’t remember when you last shaved.
  • If your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend is naked on the bed and all you can think about is the laundry or yard work.
  • When you realize that sleeping on the couch is not necessarily a bad thing.
  • When you start talking about what happens in the restroom.
  • If the only flowers you ever see are those in the garden or in home depot.
  • When other couples do some cute romantic thing and you think “just give it a few years”.
  • If you don’t even think about it when you loudly pass gas.
  • If you have been through everything and are still together.

If you are still in the “in love” stage, enjoy it while it lasts. If you have moved on to a deeper relationship, enjoy that and appreciate that you have a spouse who knows all about the real you and loves you anyway. To my husband, I love you and I’m glad you didn’t kill me when I ran through the garage (possible deal-breaker for immature relationships).

School or Home?


As someone who has never had any desire to home school our children, I am both annoyed and amused at the prospect of homeschooling my Kindergartener. The problem is that she is only a half-day kid this year, so she could ride the bus home from but not to school. Since I can’t drive, this is quite a problem.

I have a few wonderful friends who have offered their shuttling services, but I am just wondering if it is worth all the trouble? Afterall, she is only in school for about 2.5 hours. So, to help me out, here are some pro’s and con’s that I anticipate of homeschooling:

Pro’s

  • Wouldn’t have to depend on others for her schooling.
  • If she vomits, it will probably be on me and clothes, meds, washing machine, etc. are already here.
  • If something comes up, the schedule would be more flexible.
  • I would get to go on all her field trips.
  • Educational television shows could supplement her learning.

Con’s

  • I would be responsible for ensuring she could move on to 1st grade.
  • If she vomits, it will probably be on me.
  • It would be difficult to start and maintain a schedule.
  • We would be at home together all day everyday (short-term pro, but could become con quite easily.
  • Time alone to go to dr. appointments, shopping, the bathroom, etc. would be difficult to come by.

I know that this post isn’t as funny as what you expect from a brilliant writer such as myself, but even geniuses can stress out. For super funny stuff, see the 2 previous posts. If you have any ideas, insights, or advice on this homeschooling issue, please share them with me. Thanks.

Things I’m Too Cheap to Do: Top Ten


Animated image of a thief running with a pile of money

#10. Become an alcoholic – Although it is debatable whether or not I would actually follow this path, my cheapness is definitely a factor involved in this decision.

#9. Skydive – (landing with a walker might be a little difficult as well as the cost).

#8. Get plastic surgery – I’m not going to get too specific here, but let’s just say 1 thing’s too big, a couple of things too little, and something could use resurfacing (to all you men out there – already tried sandpaper…doesn’t work).

#7. Take dancing lessons – (the walker/wheelchair might present a problem with this one also).

#6. Send my kids to private school – Before you public school moms say “public school is just fine”, you private school moms say “it really is worth mortgaging your house for”, and you home school moms say “nothing beats the love and instruction of a wonderful “all-knowing” mother; yes, I agree with all of you…it is just a top ten list…lighten up a little.

#5. Buy a falcon – …What? That’s not what you are supposed to do with extra money? It is just a stupid commercial?…   Ohhh, it is all starting to make sense now…

#4. Rid the world of dumb commercials – *See #5

#3. Get a Neorest 600 – For those of you who don’t know what a Neorest 600 is, it “represents the ultimate convergence of design and technology and helps to
transform your bath space into the ultimate spa experience”. In other words, it is a really cool toilet. Automatic open and close lid, remote control, heated seat, warm air dryer,…just check the link. They are only about $5,000 but alas…I am just too cheap.

#2. Think of things I have enough money to do – no explanation needed.

#1. Get a blog on WordPress.org – “oh no she didn’t” 😉 Just joking, I love you guys…ha, ha…just a laugh…of course not…sure it might bring me more traffic and be easier to control, etc. but I would never…

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What you should do if you win $1,000,000


We have all heard of lottery winners who have just blown through the money they’ve won and who are now homeless, smelly, and mean.

To keep this from happening to you, please follow the wisdom of the ages…aka my advice.

If you win a million dollars you should:

Buy a burial plot – Not many winners have followed this advice but if you win, believe me, you will want people knowing that you thought you were rich long after you have left this world.

Women – all over body permanent hair removal (think of the time and money you will save over the course of a year, let alone your life.

Men – permanent tan (everyone knows that even ugly people look more attractive with a tan. If someone has not invented permanent tans by the time you win, head to your local tattoo shop).

Invest – this idea seems obvious, but if you are not sure which company to invest in, remember permanent tanning.

Charity – If you don’t give something to charity, everyone is going to think you are a jerk, so designate an amount for a charity you like (stay away from starving kids, or people with diseases. Those will just spend, spend, spend. Your best bet is old Scrooges…they know how to handle money).

Buy a gun – People will come after you to get to your money, so buy a really good gun and lots of ammo.

Up your insurance – Everything you have is worth more when you are worth more, so upgrade all of your insurances.

Bury at least some of it – It is your duty as an American to bury something of value that you may never find again. Draw a treasure map with a big X to help you find it later.

Write a book – If you are rich, people will read it. Enough said.

Disturbing Trend


Today, while faithfully checking my stats, I noticed a disturbing trend. More people like me that don’t know me than those who do. As I began to over-analyze this strange phenomenon (I am a woman after all), I realized that this could not be because I am less brilliant in person than I am in writing. I also am just as charming, funny, etc. so since it couldn’t be something wrong with me; it must be something wrong with them. With that in mind, here is a list of possible explanations:

  • They can’t read – although this seems improbable, sometimes people hide things that they are ashamed of. For all I know, all my Facebook “friends” are actually 4th graders being paid to write about the daily life of their bosses. (That would also explain some of the spelling errors).
  • They don’t want the publicity of being associated with me – being a celebrity does have a downside; the constant autograph signings, the paparazzi, the photographers, it is no wonder those who know me hide that fact.
  • They are too busy – As we all know, keeping up with all the social media in our lives can be quite demanding. When weighing the options of how to manage their time, it is not surprising that many choose to let the world know where and how they are, as well as other important details like when they last used the restroom, what they had for lunch, etc. and after all that updating, they are probably too exhausted to read a blog.
  • I’m not dying  – Have you ever noticed how popular dying people are? I often think to myself “you would read it if I was dead”. I guess dying people are just more interesting…suddenly people are curious about your thoughts, feelings, and words. It’s a morbid world out there.
  • On the off-chance that my friends either: are reading my blog, don’t realize I had a blog, really do have more important things to do, etc. ………I didn’t mean anything I just said…really, I understand why you can’t devote your time…I was just joking about the 4th grade spelling errors…of course I still love you…

(For all my blog buddies, forget that last point. I have to try to keep some real friends just in case) 😉

Things to do when I’m gone


No, I’m not dying…just going to visit my parents, which I guess is similar to dying…(just kidding Mom and Dad).

Unfortunately, they live in a little bitty town in Nebraska; the land of corn and buffalo and super tiny towns far away from anything as cool as Wal-Mart. Since my parents are also from a different era, this means no computers.

Awww don’t cry, I know you’ll miss me, but I’ll be back (as long as we don’t run into a killer tumble-weed or something like that).

Since I care about all my readers, I have written two posts which will magically present themselves on days I didn’t actually write them. ( I didn’t want you going through withdrawals). With that said, there are only two pre-written posts, and we will be gone for almost a week, so I have written some ideas to keep you entertained…

  • Check out my Blogroll – Don’t ask me how I connected with all those blogs, there is a little bit of everything in there, but they are all good.
  • Watch Saturday Night Live reruns – although they are sometimes pretty goofy, they are entertaining.
  • Read all my other posts – Wheelchair Sexy, Rules for Being a PessimistWhy I hate to Cook, and Public Service Announcement are some of my favorites, but there are a lot of other great ones too.

I will be returning probably next Thursday and if I haven’t forgotten how to type, due to the higher altitude, small town mentality, etc., I will start entertaining the masses and returning your comments. 😉

Since I’m Awake Again…Halloween, help please


I’m really starting to get tired of this insomnia thing. Anyway…

Last year I decided what I should be for Halloween:

Since I’m in an electric wheelchair, I want to dress up as a prisoner sitting in an “electric chair”. I know, it’s a wonderful idea. The problem is, I don’t really know how to make the wheelchair look like an electric chair. I think that might be the reason I can’t sleep, so for the sake of my sanity (and my husband and kids wellbeing) I need help figuring this problem out so that I can get some rest.

I know that it is kind of early to be thinking of Halloween costumes, but my brain seems to be stuck on the subject. (I also think of my favorite holiday, April Fools Day, at least a few times a week the entire year. I know… it’s weird). So, if anyone has any ideas for making a wheelchair look like an electric chair, please help me out.

Here is a picture of the chair:

Any ideas appreciated. Thanks!

Why am I awake?


(For a guaranteed insomnia cure see: http://wp.me/p1Cvgh-4b )

Although the link above shows how to stop insomnia, it does not address the cause of the sleep disorder. After thoroughly analyzing the problem, I have discovered several reasons why people like me can not fall or stay asleep.

10. We subconsciously enjoy being grouchy all day due to sleep deprivation.

9. The infomercials on t.v. are worth waking up in the middle of the night for.

8. We can’t stop thinking of who will win America’s Got Talent.

7. Our moms read us bedtime stories when we were kids and we can not function as sleepy adults without someone reading to us. (Parents, take note)

6. Taco Bell and its “fourth meal” campaign. *For their true intentions see: http://wp.me/p1Cvgh-18

5. We gave up on “beauty sleep” after going to prom with no date.

4. There is too much to think about to waste time on sleep.

3. We are secretly scared that Freddy Krueger awaits us in our dreams. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freddy_Krueger)

2. We are trying to gain weight and everyone knows food tastes best at 2:00 in the morning.

1. We are way too creative for our own good. (“Creativity is rebellion in disguise” – R. Franklin). To sleep through the night would be too “normal”.

Good luck fellow insomniacs, and don’t forget to check out the cure at the top of this post.