Rules for being a Pessimist


#10. Refuse to listen to music that is easy to remember (a sign of happy tunes).

#9. Get the doctor to prescribe something to you so that you can prove how sick you are.

#8. Remember to notify everyone you know when something bad happens.

#7. If someone tells you good news, immediately counter with “it’s too bad we didn’t hear it earlier.”

#6. If you have children or are caring for an elderly parent, be sure to join a support group.

#5. Post a depressing status on your Facebook so that everyone is forced to see your misery.

#4. Act like you are happy occasionally so that the effect of being sad/angry is more easily recognizable.

#3. If someone asks “how are you” it is their invitation to hear about everything that is wrong…don’t let them down by saying “fine.”

#2. Practise frowning each night in front of the mirror so the worry and frown lines in your face look deeper.

#1. If a check-out person says “Have a good day,” let them know your__________(aunt, dog, friend, fish, etc.) just died.

If you follow these rules you are sure to depress or anger someone else, which of course would make your day.

Why I Hate To Cook: Top Ten


#10. My mom read Hansel and Gretel to me and I’ve been scared of ovens ever since.

#9.  I’m trying to prove that preservatives are bad for you by eating only pre-cooked meals.

#8. It is a chore that never truly ends (similar to laundry and brushing your teeth).

#7. Too many reality tv shows about cooking…it’s way over-rated.

#6. Every ounce of energy and time spent cooking creates a waste after the meal… dishes, trash, leftover storage, moldy disposal of previous leftovers, bodily waste, and don’t get me started on picky eaters or other dinner time drama.

#5. Somehow a hair ends up in too many dishes. (Never the ones we serve to guests so if you are coming over, don’t worry).

#4. The pots and pans look so much nicer when they have never been used.

#3. Every time I chop vegetables, I worry that I might be killing the Veggie Tales characters.

#2. There are so many readily available crappy food restaurants, why make your own?

#1. If God had wanted me to cook, I wouldn’t only be able to make babies in my “oven”.

You can tell me…


I took my daughter to school today on the wheelchair. Then I went to the library. Throughout the day I noticed that some people were looking at me funny…smiles of condolences, darting eyes, etc. Anyway, you all will tell me the truth right?

Does this wheelchair make my butt look big?

In other news, you know it is spring when you get your first sunburn, so welcome spring…next time, sunblock.

Trifecta: Just another branch of the CIA


I knew it. We all are playing right into Trifecta‘s little games, while they sit around mocking our feeble attempts to obey their every command. Don’t believe me? Listen to this… “We at Trifecta thought it might be…useful to get to know … Continue reading

WP Group Therapy


Where to begin…

Okay, first of all, if you read this blog because I am often humorous, please bear with all the serious stuff for about a week or two. I am just working through some issues and will soon return to normal.

For the rest of you, I have a little problem. Maybe not so little…a problem. The weird thing is that I recently realized this, and I have kind of hinted around about it, but I haven’t come right out and said it. I still can’t decide if I want to tell or not. It is one of those things that is a little embarrassing. I already said that if 20 people join my MS Walk team, by the end of March, I will tell something I have never told anyone, so I figure I will at least wait until then to say it.

The thing is, maybe this should be something I get professional help for. Maybe I am making a bigger deal of it than what it really is. Maybe it is just something that happened due to the circumstances of my life now.

Regardless, I can’t drive. That is not the secret, but since I can’t drive, the idea of me seeing a regular specialist about this possible disorder is not really an option. I already skip doctors appointments because it is hard to find transportation. Well, maybe I could find it, but it is hard to ask for it, especially for something that is not a necessity.

WordPress already feels like therapy to me. I can express myself and my emotions better here than anywhere else. There are also all of you. I love hearing different insights and opinions on things, and I think it is helpful to get several different suggestions on how to best handle things.

What I am trying to say here, is that I would like for you to be my therapists for this issue. It really is not something that people would actually need to see in order to give advice and offer suggestions as to how to deal with it. I must admit that I am a little concerned about how you all would handle it. Would you be disgusted by it? Would you pity me? Would you not care? I don’t know, so if you would, please tell me. If I was to share this problem with you, how would you handle it? I know that might be hard, not knowing what the problem is, but I am pretty sure I am going to tell it regardless, I just want to get a little idea of what will happen when I do. I don’t want it to change anything between us.

So, that’s it. I have a problem, you are my confidants, and I want to be able to trust you to give me your honest opinions, and not let it change the way you feel about me. Thanks.

Just joking around: Trifecta


Now you want a funny one? When did you people get so demanding? Fine, but this is the last one…

This week’s Trifecta challenge –

Cheap
3   a : of inferior quality or worth : tawdry, sleazy <cheapworkmanship>

     b : contemptible because of lack of any fine, lofty, or redeeming qualities <feeling cheap>

Just joking around

It was just a cheap knock off of his iPhone, but the horrified look on his face when she dropped it in the toilet? Well worth the $7.50 she paid. That was priceless.

More then money: Trifecta


I was just thinking that maybe I am starting to sound a bit disturbed with all the horrific Trifecta’s, so here is a sweet one to prove I’m okay.

This week’s Trifecta challenge –

Cheap

3   a : of inferior quality or worth : tawdry, sleazy <cheapworkmanship>

     b : contemptible because of lack of any fine, lofty, or redeeming qualities <feeling cheap>

 

More than money

“Grandma, what is this?” the children ran to her, excitement on their faces. A cheap drugstore ring became more valuable with each word as she told them of her childhood sweetheart, their grandfather.

Sticks and Stones: Trifecta


This week’s Trifecta challenge –

Cheap

3   a : of inferior quality or worth : tawdry, sleazy <cheapworkmanship>

     b : contemptible because of lack of any fine, lofty, or redeeming qualities <feeling cheap>

 

Sticks and stones:

Don’t look at me! You are a cheap whore, just like your mother. His insults bounced off her like drops of rain on a windshield. She was just glad it was almost over.

OAA: Week 5


If you haven’t read any of my other one’s OAA stands for Over Analyzers Anonymous. If this topic interests you, there is a OAA category where you can enjoy more self-abuse.

Bob: Hello everyone, it is nice to see you back here.

Sue: Hi Bob

Jill: Hi

Bill: Man, last week was so funny. You should have seen your face.

Bob: Yes, it was funny. Welcome back Jerry!

Jerry: (By snack table, doesn’t even look up)

Bob: Well, we have a new visitor today, what is your name?

Becky: Hi, I’m Becky

Everyone: Hi Becky

Bob: So, what brings you to our little group.

Becky: What is that supposed to mean? I didn’t know this was an exclusive group. I just had a note left on my windshield about this little meeting, so I thought I’d check it out.

Bob: No, this is definitely not an exclusive group, we are glad to have you!

Becky: Okay, this is the thing…I think someone is stalking me.

Sue: Oh no!

Jill: (Hits Bill)

Bill: It is not me! I gave that up after that restraining order.

Bob: Why do you feel that way Becky?

Becky: Well, there was this guy, actually a few of them…anyway, one of them gave me a present, and another one pretends to be busy, but I know that he is secretly following me.

Bob: What makes you think that?

Becky: Alright, here is the full story. A long time ago I had kind of stumbled across these guys. It was fun and all, but nothing really came of it, until one day when a few friends and I hung out with them. That was really a blast, but you know, fun times should only last a little while, right?

Sue: Well, it depends on what you are doing.

Jill: Definitely

Bill: No way! Unless it involves spying…well, actually that can last pretty long too, if you do it right…

Bob: Go on Becky.

Becky: So, my friend Cookie, who was there that night mentioned that they seemed to be a little obsessed with us. So, I started paying attention. It was weird, I noticed little things, like they would be a lot funnier when they talked to us than they were when they talked to other people. You know that humor is always the best way to get someone to fall in love with you.

Sue: I don’t know, sometimes if you twirl your hair just right, wear a certain shirt, ask someone to walk you to their car…

Jill: Love isn’t real. Sorry.

Bill: Humor is actually an attempt to lure you into becoming a human test subject.

Bob: Sometimes humor is just a way to break the ice, express yourself, or connect with people.

Becky: You guys talk a lot. Anyway, one of them just gave me a present, so obviously he is stalking me. The other said I’m awesome, so you do the math…

Bob: Well, both of those things could just be normal stuff…

Becky: I don’t think you understand. I know when people love me. I’m just that good. The weird thing is, they think that I am stalking them just because I talk to them every once in a while. It really is a little ridiculous. As my friend Cookie said, what is so bad about being a stalker? We both actually kind of like it…well, until they show up outside our bedroom windows, that will be a little weird… We also know that if we ever decided to stalk anyone, they would secretly love it. Anyway, I think that is why that handsome guy left a little note on my windshield. I think he guessed that I might be overanalyzing the whole thing, and he wanted me to get help.

Bob: Uh-huh…wow, look at the time…let’s all make a run to the snack table…wait, where is the snack table? Jerry? Where is Jerry…nevermind, we’re all out of time…Sue, will you bring snacks and a table next week?

Sue: (Blushing) sure Bob.