Blog funeral/kidnapping/torture plan

Some of you may have noticed that I have a particular talent for the art of overanalysis. I don’t mean to brag…but I am really, really good at it.

You know how there are some bloggers who blog every day? For the most part that is me. Sometimes I even put 2 or 3 posts a day out. I am either awesome or annoying, and I’m okay with that. The problem is that in the blog world we can’t actually know what is going on in the real life of some of our friends. I have had 2 of my great blogger friends who have been involved in potentially serious car accidents. This concerns me. Not only the fact that they almost got killed, both of them are women drivers, so we all know how crazy they can be; but also the fact that I wouldn’t have known it if they did hurt themselves.

So, here is the plan. As a courtesy to everyone here, I am laying out the rules for dying/other horrible stuff that affects in some way people who you don’t know in real life.

For me these rules are as follows:

  1. If I don’t blog or comment on someone else’s blog for two weeks…assume I am dead. At that point, just leave some beautiful messages about how wonderful I was and all that stuff in the comments on one of my posts here.
  2. If I don’t blog for two weeks, and you assume I am dead, but I have actually been kidnapped and am being held in the mountains somewhere in a dog cage with no electronic access, but then I escape and make it to a computer and read all the wonderful things that you said because you thought I was dead…that is okay. Really, it would be better to hear how someone feels about you before you’re dead anyway.
  3. If I disappear from the blog world only to turn up a week later, but when I am back, I have tons of spelling and other grammatical errors, and when you ask where I was, I say I don’t remember…I probably got hit by a car or something and have amnesia. It is also possible that my arms got chopped off somehow and I am tying with my nose.
  4. When you get weird thoughts that something is wrong with me, but I am still kind of blogging like normal…trust your gut. We are all writers here, so just let your imagination go crazy, and then be pleasantly surprised when I return to normal.
  5. If I start slipping little “help” messages into my posts, I am probably being tortured by someone, who still lets me blog. I don’t know what you should do about that. It would probably not be worth it to track me down and call the police and all that stuff. By the time you are done with that, I won’t have any skin left, so I wouldn’t want to live anyway. Just return to plan #1.

That is all the scenarios I can think of now, but you might want to lay out your death plan on your blogs too. It really will help overanalyzers like me not to worry about you.

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72 thoughts on “Blog funeral/kidnapping/torture plan

  1. Would you believe I pondered this the other day. A fellow bloggers blog has been changed to private and you have to click a link which they then agree if they want you. I don’t think this happened so they could filter people, more likley they are on a hiatus and just suspended things for a while. But it is disconcerting, I just hope they are ok.

    Are we supposed to leave the log-in details in your will so a relative can tell the world (handful of followers) I’ve passed away?

    Anyway, I digress, this is a great post! I love the held captive idea but being allowed to blog. We may not notice though and put it down to one of your games, “Hobbler’s pretending to be kidnapped again” 😉 You need a panic phrase so we know something’s seriously wrong.

    • You are so funny SU. Okay, let’s think of a code phrase that I can use and we will try it out to see if anyone panics. Then we will make a real code phrase for the people who know that deep down, we actually are this paranoid. I love the idea of putting it in your will too. Maybe WordPress should come up with some sort of “Blog Alert” button that we could carry in real life. Then we could just push the button if a meteor is about to fall on us. At least that way, it won’t be such a surprise when people disappear.

    • Hey Joe, I was just thinking…what if your blogger friend just doesn’t like you anymore. It is a stretch with how good you are at sucking up to people, but maybe… 😉

  2. It is interesting to me how many people stop blogging without any kind of forewarning. One (the psychopath dude) stopped for obvious reasons. Other people just stop and then I always wonder what happened?! It’s like losing a book when you are in the middle of it.

    But ya. Those are good rules……..

  3. I think about stuff like this a lot – I get worried when people that should be there arent; and I start to think horrible things and get really anxious and once I cried because I wonder how can you have people that you care about so much and if they fall off the face of the world – you would never have a clue what happened to them …or you find out some horrible news in …. it kills me…I like Joe’s idea of putting the log in info in the will and then that way someone will know to come here…. but funny I always think of other people – never wonder if anyone notices I am gone… ok, so I will file this away for what to do if we don;t hear from you… I got lots of lovely things to put on your – comments after two weeks of absence – don;t make me use them…. and nobody get killed maimed kidnapped or tortured…..please…

    • I am so glad you feel the same way…but, there is probably something wrong with us. 😉 I would totally notice if you were gone. Yes, two weeks and then freak out. Joe suggested a code phrase too in case of the blogging while kidnapped thing. I think that is a good idea. Something really abnormal…even more abnormal than the usual stuff…maybe it would be better if it was completely normal. Yeah, if I start writing a bunch of completely normal things, than I am probably being held against my will somewhere. I also might just be having a blah day though…we will have to think this through some more… 😉

      • oh yeah – good idea but that is a bit problematic for – well I can be normal – no wait…probably not.. and I wouldn;t try it just to see ..I mean like a test or anything if I was feeling lonely and depressed… no ..yeah I wouldn;t I could add a word to the Mental Moment Title..like…Mid-Afternoon Mental HELP Moment… not too obvious right? I mean a kidnapper especailly if it was…an ALIEN kidnapper wouldn;t figure that one out…but I bet you all would huh?

        • That is perfect…if something crazy is really going on…not fake really, for real really, then we can just put something about “HELP and ALIEN” that is normal enough not to be obvious, but usually when you talk about either of those subjects, it is not at the same time. Except when I talk about wanting an alien to help with dishes or something…

          • ok – so HELP and ALIEN in the same post or comment – even if it;s just some butthead regular old kidnapper… then we can be cryptic trying to give as much information as possible – like description and sounds and how damn hungry we probably are….so mine will be a mental moment with HELP in the title and then maybe it has an alien IN the Mental Moment…..and now I have to remember NOT to use that unless it;s for SOS… what about you… ? .

      • thank you EL Guapo…same goes for you and …I worry about you a lot actually… cause you are in the big city and the subway and muggers and … what’s your signal word going to be? (remember GAH won’t work cause you use it a lot.. ) ~sigh.

  4. A Death Plan for Bloggers…brilliant. I’ve shared on FB that if I do not show up there for a day, they can all assume something horrible has happened to me. And the truth is, if I go for just a few hours of not posting anything on FB I get the “are you ok?” messages and texts messages of concern start coming through on my cell. I’ve just admitted how serious my addiction to FB is, haven’t I? Oh well. For the record, you ARE worth searching for so if scenario #5 presents itself, I’ll have to track you down!

    • At least I’ll be happy right? Just joking…if that happens, you are now officially in charge of tracking me down and forming a blog posse to hunt my captors down. Just please be sure to bring some dog treats. 😉 Take some pictures too, I’m sure you’ll think of a great story to go with them.

  5. What if you are gone for 6 days, and you come back, and it’s just been a test, but then Earth is attacked by aliens and you are the only one who can save us because you know the recipe for alien-busting bullets, and you make some but while you’re gone you can’t tell us because it’s a secret so you don’t?

    Or what if you are gone for a while, but when you come back it turns out you’ve just been having lots and lots of sex?

    I like cake.

  6. Wow… this is scary! Since February I have been discussing with a friend of mine who is an expert in his field the feasibility of an idea I had about people who suddenly have bad things happen to them, and there were a couple of strings of text in this post that were very similar to stuff mentioned in our correspondence. Spooky

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