To Everyone:

Many of you know that I have done some really shitty things (like commenting back and forth about sexual matters) here and on the blog I used to have. I am sorry for all that. I appreciate those of you who have encouraged me to do the right thing. There are some things that I have written that are okay, but a lot of the stuff it stupid and/or hurtful.

Writing can be a really good thing, but for good or bad, it is powerful. Inspirational and destructive at the same time. I’m scared of it, yet I need to write, so I am going to focus on writing a book or something that I can think more about what is there before I put it out for the world to see. I’ve already caused more damage than I ever could have done without this blog.

A lot of the writing here has been undermined by some of my  behavior/actions. I need to focus on my family, and my writing needs to be productive writing. powerful writing, instead of wasting my talents on junk and/or worthless people. I will not engage in any more private conversations, especially of a sexual nature. If I’ve engaged any of you in those kind of conversations, please stay off my blog and do not contact me.

Thank you for understanding.

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112 thoughts on “To Everyone:

    • Thank you John, and it hasn’t really been that I have offended anyone here, but I just shouldn’t have done any of that stuff. It was wrong. I betrayed my husband and my family. My husband has been really hurt by all of this and I should have never started talking like that. I am not sure whether or not I am even going to keep blogging at all.

  1. I can not let this post be without saying one thing…ok maybe three or 5 .. you know how I get once you get me going… but you speak of the power of words and writing and that you are going to focus on being inspirational – using your powers for good in stead of evil? 😉 and i am going to tell you from my heart… it did not matter what you said, what you write, you always inspired. There is power in your writing that was – is- important. I understand you feel you took it too far one way or another but that does not negate all of it… When we write what is on our minds without thinking, we reveal our souls …you had struggles.. we all do but not all of us can even put words to them, much less share them…. the things you feel and said were not wrong in their concept ..or thought, .. if you have come to a better place for that which you wrote and did here.. then there was a purpose …known or unknown. It may be uncomfortable now..because it is different but that is growth.. you can only grow with change. You are brave, wonderful, passionate, witty, beautiful..sad sometimes, imaginative, thoughtful, and ..inspiring. – that’s not a list that ends just because I stopped… I understand the things you say, but I hope that you see the good that you did here…you are human.. ( unless this is the aliens taking over?) the perfect thing about being human is that we all have the same condition and not one single one of us is perfect.. and even in our worst moments we can find light.. have no regrets or guilt about being you… you shine and your light goes beyond what you even imagine it could… I love you Hobbsy… I am glad you were here and hope that you will find whatever it is to bring the balance and peace to you without having to choose … thank you for all you have done here.. I hope that you don;t leave, or that if you do it is because you have grown… Joy can come from pain… if you know how to look… i think you do.
    ok.. I probably didn;t say what I was trying to.. but there it is… Love you.
    ❤ Lizzie

    • Lizzie, I think you have no idea how much I love you. Thank you for…everything. I might need some “walking on the good side” help from you. Thank you for understanding though. I’ll probably text you later too.

      • A happy medium perhaps? I miss my arch nemisis – I think I will have to continue the tale ..the EPIC tale … I actually wrote a longer comment just now and the WP orange button ate it… again.. I want to…um ..nevermind its not the orange thingys fault….sigh… even if I didn;t understand… I would still support you completely… and share donuts with you… yup..

        • Yeah, I hate it when half the comment disappears. I know that you are a good friend and I need your love and support. I think I will play with this blog a little, tweak things, control myself better, write meaningful posts…

  2. I hope you stay, of course. If you don’t, though, you might think about a goodbye post, just so no one reports you missing…………….

    Hope your summer away is restful and refreshing!

    • Thank you TikkTok. We actually came back home, a little early, but I amglad to be back, and it was good to get away for a while. I hope you are having a good summer!

  3. You are a good writer and when you determine what you would like to write about you will do a wonderful job of it. We all sometimes end up doing things we wish we hadn’t but recognizing it is the most difficult aspect. Keep writing what makes you feel good about yourself and others …Diane

    • Thank you. I feel like I can’t shut off feelings and thoughts, which is dangerous on a blog. Even if I hadn’t done anything wrong as far as sex talk goes, I have mentioned many times here that I say too much.

  4. Chin up missy, you’re writing is outstanding and you always give me a wonderful read (and laugh.) Best wishes to you and your family x

  5. Hobbs, writing is therapeutic and powerful, whether shared or unshared. As for the other stuff… If you mainly enjoy the fantasy aspect, you might also find there are ways to incorporate that into your life without damaging your life. Years ago, a friend started writing erotica, and she found it not only fulfilling, but also quite lucrative.

    Regardless, best of luck to you.

    • You know, I think about you a lot. Just saying… you seem wise…now in an old person way, just in a smart way. Writing is therapeutic and powerful. I like sharing it because the feedback is exciting to me. That is actually my favorite part. I don’t interact with other people outside of my home much at all, so I love being able to see hundreds of different opinions at once. I have thought about writing like that, but I don’t know if I could come up with a whole book. I also discovered some topics/book ideas that I think are good, that I want to spend time writing. I need to just set priorities, time limits, etc.

  6. Hobbler, you were one of the first bloggers I followed on here when I started blogging. I think you and I have a great deal in common. You can check out some of my mood swings on my blog later to see for yourself. We bipolar nuts need to stick together in order to help each other out. So having said that, if you ever need someone to talk to…come find me. Wishing you lots of luck and success and writing and all you do. 🙂

    • I will check your blog out soon. Mood swings are so incredibly dramatic for me. I actually have been thinking that I might be bipolar though I haven’t been diagnosed. I have been diagnosed with depression…I take anti depressants and anti anxiety and a million of other meds, but the whole emotional thing seems to be getting worse. It scares me, and if I need someone to talk to, I appreciate you being willing and understanding.

      • I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder 20 years ago although I have had it almost all my life. I am unmedicated. The doctor was not able to find a cocktail that works. I have tried so many of the drugs. My last doctor said that someone with Bipolar Disorder has to take a mood stabilizer with an antidepressant or it would cause mania, which explains the failure of my earlier tries at medication with an antidepressant only. Perhaps an actual diagnosis and a mood stabilizer added to your medications would help those mood swings. Either way, good luck to you whatever you decide to do with your blog. I enjoyed reading it.

        • Thanks Tessa. I don’t know what the best plan medically would be. I am on so many medications already that I hate the thought of adding another, but I also see how it might help. Sometimes I think that half the problem is the medications I am already on. That is not an excuse for behaving inappropriately, but I think that some things make it easier. I feel like my inhibitions are way less than they used to be. Sometimes that is good, but other times it is very dangerous. I’m so tired of fighting. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I just know there is something wrong. Something more than the obvious. I know I’m broke and I am so scared of breaking the people who love me. I already have caused plenty of pain, and I’m sure years of counseling for my kids.

          I appreciate so much those of you who enjoy reading this blog, and in a lot of ways I feel like it helps to keep things in a public forum. I worry that taking my thoughts and feelings inside my head will make me even more self-destructive than I already am, but I also worry about sharing too much.

        • I understand the reluctance to add another medication. I haven’t found any for my mental conditions and pain meds are also a problem, but I am on quite a few medications for all my other medical conditions. The more we take the more reactions and interactions that have to be dealt with. FYI Bipolar Disorder can cause a decrease in inhibitions and an increase in sexual feelings, appetites and desires, which are in a lot of cases inappropriate. I am currently under control, but have had terrible problems associated with this. I have driven my therapist to distraction with my escapades. Even if you don’t wish to add other meds to your daily ones, maybe seeing a dr for a possible diagnosis or to rule it out might allay some of your fears.

          • I will definitely talk to my Dr. About it. There is something going on. The only thing with the bipolar, I don’t have much mania. I have wondered about the condition before, but I am typically depressed/tired. I have had some times of kind of silliness days or whatever, but even they usually only last till the evening or so. The other meds have a lot of “downer” side-effects though. What about hormonal stuff? Does it get worse when PMSy, or is that just life in general? 😉

        • Bipolar Disorder 2 is where the person has mainly depression with occasional episodes of what they call Hypomania. The Hypomania has a lot of the same symptoms as mania, but not as severe. They now say there are 2 types. I don’t know about PMS. It has been over 3 years since I had to deal with that and blessedly have forgotten it LOL!

          • Lucky…PMS is horrible , and the past few years seem worse than ever before. If I have bipolar, it would be that type. Could it be brought on by medication? Or is it something that happens before?

        • I don’t miss the PMS or the rest of it. Bipolar Disorder can be brought on by genetics which I am sure mine is since I have had it most of my life, but can’t be sure because the parent I think probably has it is not diagnosed as such. It can also be caused by medications, especially ones taken for depression. Unfortunately I have passed the BP on to one of my children for sure. Again the genetic factor.

        • Thank you! We all have our troubles. I try to remember that when I feel like I can’t deal with it anymore. And there are a lot of people worse off than me.

          • Could I ask you something? Do you think it’s ever better for someone to kill themselves? I’m not going to, at least not now. One day I’d like to before I’m too out of it/screwed up, I’m just wondering tonight.

        • I know you mentioned this on another post. Very tricky question. Personally I don’t think suicide is right! Or I should clarify that – it is not right if you have family that could be hurt by it. You would be out of the pain you are in, but your family would have to live with and deal with the loss of you. The only time I thought about suicide was when a new anti-depressant did one of its numbers on me. At that point I didn’t care what it would do to my family. That thought scared me and I immediately made myself find someone to be with (I was alone since I had to work and my family had gone away for the holiday weekend). My friend stayed with me until my family came to pick me up. I am not super religious so there isn’t the thought that you would be committing a sin, although I believe churches believe it is a sin and that you wouldn’t go to heaven. That would depend on your own religious beliefs if you have any. If you believe that I am not sure damning yourself to hell would be any better than the hell you might be going through here on earth. So I guess I am saying – NO I do not think it is ever better to kill yourself. I am sure your family would be hurt and miss you! I hope you will think about that!

          • I have and I will think about it. I think God puts a lot more concern on the mind and heart of the person who did it than what any of “his religions” teach. (I’m not a fan of religion, but I believe in God). I’m not going to do it any time soon because although I often seriously feel like my loved ones would be better if I was not here, I know enough about my thought processes in this area to know I can’t trust them.

            The only thing I am absolutely sure of and passionate about in the suicide area is that assisted suicide should be legal (although it should have regulations). I’ll write more about it soon. I wrote a brief position on it a while ago, but I feel it much stronger now.

            Anyway, I suppose I should save any more of this conversation for that post. It will be fairly soon. I am very curious about other people’s feeling with it. Thanks Tessa, I have absolutely loved and needed these conversations we’ve been having.

  7. I’m gone for a week or two and miss so much…
    Okay. I don’t know what happened, but I do know that you are awesome, Hobbles, and things will get better. You just gotta hang in there. I hope you keep blogging, but if you decide to stop, I’ll understand and I wish you the best of luck in whatever comes next.

    • Thanks WIM2S. I love to write. I don’t think I could completely stop if I tried, but being gone and not able to access the internet also helped me realize how much more productive I could be on a real book. I think that blogging can be okay, but I was obsessive with it. On way too much and I will never get something that could actually make money if I don’t set time limits on WordPress.

    • You, Hotspur, were one of the people that I took it too far with. You need to stay off here. A lot of people have been hurt by my words and actions. Most importantly my family. We have talked before about how my actions and words are inappropriate. You even said about the nothobbling blog “so wait a second, let me get this right, you have a blog just so you can be inappropriate?” I told you then that kind of, yeah. I told you that you don’t understand everything. We also talked about how I felt, I knew, it had gone too far and was only getting worse.
      I asked you what I should do. I can’t find any of those conversations on your blog, so I could show my husband and help him see that at least I was thinking about it. I told you another time not to judge me, and that most of the stuff on that blog was PG13, but the titles weren’t, and some of the comments definitely weren’t. There are a lot of things that I don’t understand. I don’t know how it got to this point…I know how, but I don’t know why I took it to that point. Why I felt the need/want to talk sex with anyone other than my husband. I have a lot of justifications in my head. I’ve used some when the subject has come up on yours, and other blogs. Thing is, they aren’t actual reasons for allowing myself to go there; they are just excuses that don’t stand up to any sort of reality.
      It was stupid, selfish, and immature and now I put myself in a position that regardless of what I do or write or say, it is too late. Nothing will change what is already done. Being sorry won’t cut it. Neither will not doing that again, or being an open book. It is too late to change, to do what is right, to apologize. Too late for everything. I’m sorry to all the people, especially my husband, who I have hurt. I don’t want to see you or any of the other people I did that with around here.

  8. I have mixed emotions about all of this but I am happy to see you back! I support whatever you need to do, mama, but cut yourself some slack on the ‘I’ve done shitty things’ notion. If it is because your husband got offended, then I will say that, at the end of the day, that is his issue to deal with and not yours- does that make sense? You still need to stay true to yourself and not be ‘told’ what to write about, think about and say.

    I certainly don’t see that you have wasted any of your time on junk or worthless people because there aren’t any worthless people around here and nothing you have written is junk! Nothing! I’ll say it one more time- NOTHING you have written is junk.

    You are amazing honey, and you are unfortunately going thru a crap storm right now. It happens- just don’t stop writing. Period. You know how to get a hold of me if you need to- use the digits!

    And everything Lizzie says, I agree with 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,012%

    • It is not because my husband got offended…

      I know that what I did is wrong. It is hard to really see how much pain I have caused, not only my immediate family, but my inlaws, my sisters and parents. There is a lot of stuff that is good writing here, but there really is a lot of bs too. The bad stuff undermines the good. I understand that you care about me and probably want to lift me up and let me know that you are on my side, but my side is recognizing what I have done wrong and admitting to it. I need to do that.

      I can’t stop writing all together, but I don’t know about blogging. It is too easy for me to pour my heart, thoughts, and feelings out in the written word. It doesn’t make sense to me how easy it is to write and how difficult it is to communicate without writing, but I have to learn. My family needs and deserves that. Like I said to WIM2S, it also is so time consumming, which takes away from my family. I need to be honest with myself and others and put my family first.

  9. Oh, my. Looks like I have missed quite a bit lately. Been so busy with work I haven’t been able to keep up on the blogs I follow. Sounds like you have been through quite a bit. I hope you are well, and on the road to emotional recovery.

    • Thanks Michelle. I am okay, but I’m also feeling like shit. Emotional recovery sometimes hurts though. There are a lot of good things going on right now, but a lot of bad too. I appreciate your concern and your friendship, more than you could possible know.

  10. Blog or write your posts in journal format, then publish only after rereading them a couple of times. Keep what is private in a separate file or delete that which gives you a bad feeling when reread. Writing can be therapeutic especially when our freedom and participation are affected but it can also be destructive when read out of context or by people who shouldn’t read your deepest thoughts. It’s like someone reading your personal diary. We all have thoughts that would horrify or hurt others and I suppose that it is best to keep some things to ourselves. Work on the hurt for all of your sakes and talk openly and frankly to your loved ones.
    Because of my disability there are many things that cause me mental anguish that I keep to myself. My heart gets so sore and my brain aches for some of the things I used to be able to express physically, with a touch or a hug or a kiss. Now I can’t even lift my arms to hug my grandchildren or my children or my wife. Sometimes it eats me up but I have to try to appear happy for most of the time. Stay strong

    • Thank you Roly. I feel like that too…like I have to try to appear happy, but I hate living a lie. I want to be able to have someone to let loose with, but publically is probably not the best option. Like you said; “We all have thoughts that would horrify or hurt others and I suppose that it is best to keep some things to ourselves.” Very true.

      I used to feel like I could be strong and I could handle being in this position (disabled, medicated, etc.) but I don’t know anymore. I don’t feel strong enough to handle it at all. I guess some days I do, but sometimes I think it will kill me and take whoever I let close to me down with me. On the bad days I wish I had never been born. Never fallen in love. Never had kids. I wish I had been stillborn so my parents and my sisters wouldn’t hurt for or because of me.

      On the good days I still wonder why I am here. On those days though, I am thankful that it is me who has this and not someone I love. On those days I think that I should write something real. Something that matters. While on vacation I realized one way that I could write something that would one day make my family proud. I just don’t want to give up before I write it.

      • I draw a huge amount of strength from encouraging others that have the same disease as I have. I get encouraged by encouraging others. Join groups on the net that have your disease and discuss and share how you feel. It helps me to read how other people cope and to know I’m not alone.

        • I agree with Roly, I have joined groups for my different illnesses and disorder. Some I actively participate in. My most active, at the moment (it tends to change as my moods change), is the one for Bipolar Peer Support. Actually reading what others are going through, which is worse than me at the moment, can bring some perspective to an otherwise painful situation. It doesn’t necessarily make me feel better, but I can see that things could be worse and my experiences can make someone else feel better. You have something useful to share I am sure.

          • Thank you. I hope I have something useful to share. It is definitely helpful to talk to people and to know you aren’t the only one feeling something.

        • I think that everyone has something to share whether you are aware of it or not. The problem is being in a receptive place and feeling comfortable enough to express an opinion. I tend to be paranoid and sometimes my fears will keep me silent. I hope you are feeling better about everything now. I have to remind myself to watch what I say on FaceBook. Some things have to remain in the private/closed help groups I am on. I am divorced with issues about my ex. My children are on FaceBook and through them my ex would see my comments. Sometimes I forget. Also have to watch what my stories say since some are real life, trying to write in third person to take any resemblance to real life hopefully off the table. I don’t know if my kids are reading my blog or not. I post the links on FaceBook so possible.

          • Everyone really does have something to share. Your situation sounds difficult. I hate Facebook, so that’s not a problem for me, but it is such a public thing and something pretty much everyone has. It is hard to find a way of expressing yourself and getting stuff off your chest without it finding it’s way into the wrong places. I don’t know if that makes sense.

        • It makes sense. I have dealt with Bipolar Disorder for about 45 years or so. I am 55 now. I do post occasionally on Facebook about BP in a generic sense. I am not ashamed of it. It is me. I can’t change it, but what I share in the closed groups is not for my children to see and/or their father. He was not supportive while we were married, he was embarrassed. He would not admit to his own problems. My kids do not need to see exactly how bad I feel or exactly what I have been through. It would not help anyone.

          • That makes complete sense. I’m sorry that your ex was embarrassed. I am very fortunate to have a husband who has supported me throughout the course of my disease. That is part of what makes my actions even more hurtful I think, but they would be bad either way.

        • It is good that you have support from your husband. I was finally diagnosed when I had a breakdown 20 years ago. I said some hurtful things to my now ex. He didn’t deserve that, but I had come to a crisis and just couldn’t handle it anymore. We had unresolved issues that he didn’t want to deal with. Everything was my fault. That started a nightmare of trying to find medications to work. I have tried several times over the years to find something I could take that would help. All made things worse. Now I am on SSDI and have no insurance. No more dr visits for mental issues. Have to learn to deal with it on my own again. I do pay for a therapist out of pocket. I saw him steadily every week for almost a year so he is seeing me every other week for a lower fee.

          • I am on SSDI too, and my Medicare has a mental health allowance. I think I had to have a referral by a medical dr. It has been a while since I saw anyone though. Transportation was an issue, but I found a handicapped van service I could use in my town. Now just wanting to go and making myself go would be a problem. I have been steadily becoming more and more reclusive. I like to go to really close stores in my electric wheelchair, and I occasionally want to go out, but I like to be home more and more.

        • A friend sent me this a few years ago and it helped my carer (wife) it made me think too. I hate being a nuisance or being dependent on someone else but I have no option
          THE CARE GIVER’S RIGHTS
          This is not an act of selfishness. It will give me the ability to take better care of my loved one. I have the right to seek help from others even though my loved one may object. I know the limits of my own endurance and strength.

          I have the right to maintain parts of my own life that do not include the person I care for just as I would if he or she were healthy. I know that I do everything that I reasonably can do for this person. I have the right to do some things for myself.

          I have the right to get angry, be depressed and express difficult feelings once in a while.

          I have the right to reject any attempt by my loved one to make me do things out of guilt or anger.

          I have the right to get consideration, affection, forgiveness, and acceptance for what I do for my loved one, as I offer these in return.

          I have the right to take pride in what I am doing. And I have the right to applaud the courage it has taken to meet the needs of my loved one.

          I have the right to protect my individuality. I also have the right to a life that will sustain me in times when my loved one no longer needs my full-time help.

          • That is very well put. I’ve heard/read that being a caretaker for someone takes years off the caregiver’s life. I know it is hard too, and I sometimes feel like he would be better off without me. Okay, I feel that a lot. The rest of my family too. I will be writing a post soon about assisted suicide, and I would love to get your opinion. It is not something for me at the moment, but later…you’ll read. Anyway, I appreciate your willingness to be open with me. I sometimes throw pity parties for myself that I really shouldn’t. It is good to have other perspectives.

        • I will be eligible for Medicare in January. Don’t know if I will try more meds. I have not had positive experiences and really tired of going through all that and it just makes things worse. I have no idea how Medicare works and that will cause me anxiety no end and I see lots of people on my BP group who say they can’t find drs who take Medicare. At least I get lots of ideas for low cost medical options on that group.

          • Yeah. There are good and bad things about it for sure. If you have a question, I have been on it for years, so I can try to answer.

  11. Where to begin….I can begin right, we’re mates.

    Writing is theraputic, whether anyone reads it or not. It doesn’t have to be public but if you want feedback or to chat to people outisde the public arena of wordpress then you know you have some good friends through here that are there for you who you can speak to more personally. It doesn’t matter they are not in your circle in the ‘real world’ it’s not any less valid a friendship.

    I honestly don’t know what you mean when you refer to some of the things you have been saying, I guess I’ve missed that dialogue, but I get comments from blogging from some quarters, obviously not the same you have been mentioning, but those comments only come from them not getting the point of why we blog, we all have different reasons so you need to convey those reasons to those questioning why. Yours are perfectly valid reasons so you should feel free to discuss with your family. Sometimes you need an ear from someone outside of a situation just to gain a different perspective.

    As an aside reading other peoples comments here…I cannot begin to relate to any feelings of depression, I have not come across it in life, but it is frightening that medications are subscribed so frequently and heavily, it doesn’t sound as it if solves a problem, more it just quells it. I’d figure you talking about it is better treatment. Sorry if that seems flippant from my limited knowledge, I’m just untrustworthy of the medical industry (not the profession) being governed by profit rather than aid.

    Never worry about what you write, if it’s in your hand and is spilling onto the page then that’s the best place for it, but keep it private if you are worried of repurcussions. But sometimes truths can hurt people, but only if they don’t understand, and maybe they are only just trying to understand themselves and need help with that too.

    Do what you gotta do Hobbs for your own well-being, you know where you can find us. I’ll always be free for a chat, maybe a semi-old fashioned way, like email pen pals, I wouldn’t be a proper pen pal as my writing is terrible and I can’t even read it myself so it’s hopeless when I go food shopping. 😉

    • Thanks Joe. I had already typed a lot of this then it disappeared, but I am going to respond to each paragraph okay?

      I agree with you that writing is theraputic. I think that I have been too open with lots of things on WP. I also have scewed things to only present my side, and not the whole story, which doesn’t help anything.

      You probably havent seen a lot of the commentary I am referring to, but I also said some inappropriate things to you, and for that reason, I need you to stay off here. I have to put my family first and focus on loving and spending my time and attention on them. It is what I should have done all along.

      Depression is horrible, medications are too. The funny thing is that I have tried many, and it seems like they only work for a while, if at all. They are definitely over-prescribed.

      I think that worrying what people write when it affects someone you love negatively is necessary. I don’t know if that sentence makes sense…basically, I think that you are right about the importance of communication and understanding, but I need to worry more than I have been about how what I do or say will affect others.

      Just because I feel or think something doesn’t mean I should say it, and it also doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t think about how it affects my loved ones. I hope that makes sense. Goodbye Joe.

  12. My #1 rule for blogging was to not put anything out there that I couldn’t share with my husband and kids. And, because I share my blog on FB, that means that people I know irl are on there. There has been a post I’ve really wanted to write (nature vs. nurture) for a really long time, but I haven’t been able to come up with a way to do that where the people reading it might not be hurt by it. So, it sits in my head. I may eventually write it down just to get it out, but in the meantime, the potential outcome is not worth the release.

    It’s a tough road, Hobbs, but I’m pretty sure you’ll sort it out. I’m better now with my time than I was several years ago, where a volunteer position took up realistically about 80 hours of my week. And you’re right, you know; it IS about priority. You’ll find the balance, I’m sure.

    • That used to be my rule too. I am pretty sure I have even talked about it in a few of the older posts. I was trying to figure out when it changed, and I think it was around the time of the narcissist thing. That day was so much fun. Something that seemed to make it more enjoyable was that for the first time in a long time I felt normal that day.

      I was teased mercilessly and called everything in the book. It was wonderful. You know what it’s like cause you have medical issues, but I was, often still am, so tired of everyone being politically correct or sorry for me. Why that started me on the path I went down is a mystery to me, and not a reason for or a justification of anything. It just started around that time.

      I should have stuck to your rule and I don’t know why I didn’t. The worst thing about this whole situation is that my blogging should have been something that I could enjoy with my husband and family. I have mentioned my husband a lot in this posts comments, but I should point out that it definitely wasn’t only him I hurt. My parents, sisters, old lady friends read this blog, and the more extreme things got, the more secretive I became, which was a downward spiral. I even blocked my sister from following me. Screwed up…weird…cruel behavior to those I love the most was what followed.

      That said, I think that there are some things that are better left unsaid, or that loved one’s don’t need to know. I wrote about depression and suicide and stuff, which might be something I need an outlet for that my extended family doesn’t need to know. My husband though…he shouldn’t have been excluded. Even if I write something that might be painful for him to hear, he should have access to it. Anyway, I am writing a book here. Sorry so long.

      • Oh no, I totally get this. The bottom line (as I see it, so ymmv, of course) is that it’s about control. Your writing is the ONE thing you are completely in control of. It’s the only single thing in your life that YOU are completely driving.

        You can’t control family,

        • No idea why that just posted- I was saying, you can’t control family.

          You can’t control other people’s reactions and/or treatment of you. There’s nothing wrong with your brain, for goodness sakes! (I mean, outside of disease)

          You can’t control the disease; you can’t control your what the disease is doing to your body; you can’t get your body to do what YOU want it to do.

          So, you write. Writing is the one place people see YOU and not your disease; one single place in life where you control what happens. If you don’t type them, the words don’t come.

          We often lash out at those we love *because* they love us- we feel safe enough to let go. (this is why kids come home and are terribly rotten after being good all day at school). I must have missed the lashing out to family, but darn, it’s hard not to at times when things just flat suck because of disease.

          For us, it would have been the hiding part that would have been an issue. Naughty banter online would not be a big deal, but it could be left open to questioning if it was also hidden, and that would be the bit that would cause issues. You can still have privacy without secrets.

          Because hunny and I are open, he’s never gone on my blog more than what I’ve read to him mostly because he listens to me enough and doesn’t need to go looking for more, lol. He also knows about my rules, so it’s all good.

          You’ll get it sorted out. Try not to beat yourself up too much! ♥♥♥

          • True that I can’t control other people’s reactions, but that doesn’t excuse me from not controlling my own. So true also about the fact that words seem to come way more easily when I write than if I just think or say them.

            I think that I have lashed out a lot at people I love. Part of my issue is that I don’t want to be loved in real life. I crave it in a way, but I push it away too.

            I feel like the less people care about me, the less hurt they will be when I am dead. Yeah, I know it sounds dramatic…MS is not typically a fatal disease. In extreme cases it can be. Depression can also be, especially when it involves suicidal thoughts and tendencies. Medications can be as devastating to your body as any disease, and added to the lack of nutrition that I provide myself with (not just because I hate to cook…I have appetite, thirst, and sugar/junk food addict issues as well).

            The hidden part is a problem for us too, and I deleted the other blog like an idiot, so now that is even a bigger problem than if I had just left it.

  13. Hey ya, Hobs – glad to see you’re back. 🙂 Your post gives me de ja-vue. Sounds like a similar experience we all went through back in the 90’s or so. Involved me and another survivor. My wife had to support me while I flew out to meet her, over 3,000 miles away. Everything went well, no trust was broken – but it could have went down the wrong road. Fortunately . . . well, she’s a strong woman despite having being betrayed before in her previous marriage. She wasn’t quite sure I’d come back, but I did. Sounds like so have you.

    I’ve learned to keep a little distance in my relationships online as a result. And that’s a good thing. It keeps our spouse (whom we love) and ourselves safe. A “for the good of all” kind of thing (that’s us speaking of us). I am sorry you and your husband – and family, from the sound of it – had to go through some ‘troubles’. But some lessons were learned, no doubt. I know one of the lessons I learned was how much my wife loved me and was (despite her doubts) willing to trust me. And I think she learned some things, too. The experience brought us closer, more committed to one another and our relationship.

    How much you share – well, that’s for you to tell, quite literally. But it sounds like you passed a test and that it worked out for the best. A book? We wrote one – it’s fun, but hard work in the end (editing, proofing, publishing – and marketing if you’re up to it). “Write about what you know.” You know a lot of stuff. How about a ‘how-to’ book on getting around in a wheelchair or picking out a scooter? All those little ‘tricks’ you guys know I don’t. I imagine I’ll need that, too, some day, given my condition. Dr. says I got a few years before I end up in a chair. LOL! Scary thought. I’m willing to fight him on that one. (Picturing: “put up yer dukes Doc” and churning my fists from a chair I can barely get up from.) LOL!

    Again – glad to see you are back and blogging. It is a form of therapy, true. Sounds like you went through ‘something’ – but have come out the better for all of you.

    Until later (maybe? don’t know if I’m in the invited crowd, LOL!) Have fun, be good – cheer up – you’re home, gardens gone wild, and there’s no doubt chores to do.

    • I’m thinking distance in my relationships online will be good too.

      I have several book ideas, and I know they will be a lot of work, but I spent enough time blogging to write a few books I believe. I do want to write a type of autobiography, about my disability, but I am thinking of putting a fiction spin on it. The most important thing I want to write will hopefully be much more than just a book. You know…change the world kind of stuff. You might actually have an interesting perspecive on that subject. It will be about assisted suicide. Anyway, I have a fiction idea too.

      Don’t be too scared about the chair. It can be freeing in a way. At least I wasn’t walking around looking like I was drunk all the time when I got mine, and I could go do things that I previously wouldn’t have had the endurance for, like “walking” places with my kids.

      Anyway, I think I have definitely gone through “something”, but yeah, I think it will be better. Gardens and chores are desperate for my loving attention, but I haven’t given in to their cries quite yet. 😉

  14. I’m more in agreement with GingerSnaap. I don’t feel that anything you wrote about was ‘bad’. Maybe some people are limited by their belief systems or their own uncomfortable feelings but your writing and the conversations had because of your writing actually helped me on my journey.

    Whatever you choose to do, I hope you do so for yourself and not based on what others might be thinking of you. Life is too short to live it for others and you will never be able to make them all happy with your choices anyway. ❤ you, Hobbs.

    • Part of the problem now is that I deleted the “bad” blog, so now everything is left to the imagination about what I said there. What I am doing now is my choice, and what I feel is the right thing to do. I have always been brutally honest in my writing…to a fault even, and I’m not changing now. My perspective is shifting and I wish it would have happened a long time ago, so we wouldn’t be here now.

  15. I’m not getting a divorce, but I need to change things so that doesn’t happen in the future. What I’ve done isn’t right, and it will destroy my marriage unless I take steps now to change. You need to stay off here too.

  16. Wait… I am confused. We talked about sex, but in a constructive, funny, thoughtful way… we learned things about human nature. We poked fun at life. We weren’t doing it for taudry reasons. We also talked about a lot of other things that were deep and moving and helpfull. I think the only mistake you made was that you got a little too caught up in the comment part, and let it creep over into the blog part. The tail started to wag the dog. We all have to remember that this isn’t a chat room.
    So do I get to stay or not?
    I really hope I do…

      • Are you serious? There wasn’t even flirting going on. No, you know what. If that is how you feel, then do what you have to do. I have nothing to feel guilty about. I never crossed any lines. And I only responded in kind. In fact, I seem to recall begging you to tone it down a little. I have to say you really know how to make a person feel like crap.

        • Yeah PMAO. It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. I do know how to make people feel like crap. I specialize in that. You did tell me to tone it down. I should have listened. I’m sorry I didn’t. If you want, you can stay. None of this is your fault. Same with others too. It was my choice, my actions. I’m sorry that I hurt everyone else. Especially my family.

          • I just had no idea any of this was going on. I would never have put you in a bad situation, not for anything. I can be pretty dense sometimes… I will do what ever you ask. But know this. I never considered you to be anything other than a friend. But I consider you to be a good friend.

            • Thanks, I know. My friends here…almost everyone who has come by here today weren’t the real problem. The problem for the most part has been things that I have said on other people’s blogs. There were a couple of people who took it just as far as I was, but really, I can only think of one in particular, but he hasn’t been here in a really long time. Nothing like that will ever happen with me again. Either on my blog or on theirs.

  17. I’ve missed your posts. Regardless of what’s happened, you have an great mind, and I’m always amazed by your insights. I hope I don’t have to stay away.

    • Thanks Bats. I completely admire you too. You have been through so much in the past year, and you are making it, you know. You rock!

  18. Hey there, welcome back. I was sup riced to see that your other blog was no more, but now i know why. All i can say in a blog friend of way is, that i have missed u and the time u where gone. We had some good comments going and it was fun. Not sure what i would do if u stopped blogging.

  19. From the sounds of the comments, this wasn’t a good time for me to take a hiatus from blogging because I was trying to work through some of my own problems. I’m sorry you are feeling bad about some of your past actions Hobbles. I hope you know you have my support if you need it & you can contact me by email if you need to talk in more depth.
    I have governed what I talk about on my blog, knowing my daughter reads it sometimes & a fellow employee also links to my blog a lot in his blog. If I wouldn’t say it to their face, I don’t say it. This is just how I have chosen to deal with my writing, but whatever works for you. I hope you don’t disappear, I would miss you terribly.

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