To my husband (3)

I don’t really know what to say.

Okay…I don’t know exactly how I got to the point  that started this whole thing. I could say that I was on a million drugs and they helped me not to feel. They helped me take narcissism to the next level. I think a lot of  bloggers are a tad narcissistic in general. Sorry if that offends anyone reading this, but if it does offend, you are probably  a narcissist.

Anyway, even if no one else is, I was selfish. Muted emotions helped me to justify whatever I felt like doing. The problem with that way of thinking, other than the selfishness of it, is that you don’t care who you hurt. (I am not saying that everything is the medication’s fault, but it did play a big part). Now that I backed way off the medications, I still struggle with selfishness, but I recognize it…at least some of the time. Feeling things is pretty horrible now, but it will be good in the long run.

So, I guess this post is an apology. I’m truly sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry I didn’t really care. I do love you, and I want things to work out between us. I keep thinking that it is too late, but maybe it’s not. It is worth trying.

Night H.H. , (those initials stand for Hobbler’s husband, if you were wondering) I hope you are having sweet dreams.

Love, Hobbler

25 thoughts on “To my husband (3)

  1. Stars for honesty.

    Before my wife & I got married (I was her 2nd husband, she was my 1st and only wife, if you discount what happened to me as a child) . . .
    we both agreed:
    “Love is not enough.”

    A lot of couples get married despite their problems, saying “love will carry us through.” Some folks remain in abusive relationships for years because of love. Their love ‘heals’ them enough to get along.

    Others don’t.
    My wife & I both agreed: each person has to take a responsibility in, and for the relationship. Each has to agree to “hang on through hard times” with or through – or because of the other one.
    Each one needs to know when to say “Enough of this sh**.” and try to understand where their partner is coming from (not abandon them).

    On the converse side, you have to know when a relationship is too damaging to YOU, overall – when to “get out”. Hopefully you make that discovery and decision before you ever get in. (Which is why I recommend people live together for a year – a “full run of seasons” before they slip a ring on – heretical, I know. But my wife & I did – with her 3 kids. To make sure “I” could make it, take it – and she did.)

    I don’t know how long ya’ll have been married – but I sense a LOT of commitment on the part of your husband. My wife – my wife . . . she has so much of it. She has to be in love with me to put up with “it” and my sh**.

    However, I think and feel she has become . . . I dunno – freer? More open & honest with me? Just because of ‘it’.

    I think that is so – or the way it is going – with the 2 of you. You don’t know how much I hope for the best in love and success – despite and because of what you have and are going through.

    My wife and I have found (26 years now) – that the harder it gets; these trials we go through – if we both “hang on”? We benefit. Each time our love grows more, as well as our respect and understanding – for our treasures and our faults.

    I tend to refrain from commenting on these posts to your husband (hi guy! Hope you are reading! Hope you know I would like to shake your hand!) – because they are so personal – between ‘you’ and ‘him’. But remembering that: “Love ain’t enough to keep a relationship going.” – I remember that all the time. And it helps ME treat her . . . better. In lots of ways. Even tho’ in a narcissistic way, it’s for me. (wry smile.) Good luck – and love each other. Always. As I think you two do.

    • He is very committed. Everything is so strange right now. I feel like I went for a few months as someone else. The past few years have been pretty hard actually. We have been married for 8 years, together for 11. We lived together before we got married too. I think it is a good idea, even though many people in my real life would disagree.

    • He is very committed. He’s a really great guy. Everything is so strange right now. I feel like I went for a few months as someone else. The past few years have been pretty hard actually.

      We have been married for 8 years, together for 11. We lived together before we got married too. I think it is a good idea, even though many people in my real life would disagree.

      • I knew before I met my wife she was a committed woman – had to be. She had been married for 10 years previously to a husband who got sick then abusive. She left him.

        Yes, I think you’ve changed. It’s called life. Maybe you found a lesson – what lesson was learned? What good came out of it? These are the things I’ve learned to ask myself in life rather than dwell on my ‘evils’ – tho’ I ask forgiveness from my wife from them. And she tolerates me and my shutterbug mouth – I’ll talk her ear off about science or something and she hasn’t a clue nor does she want one. I’m learning to control it. I’m an information *hound!* – just all crazy and OCD about learning, discussing and debating. Unfortunately all my friends are gone (called life) except one, and he’s busy with his job and daughters. (He’s divorced.) A very wise man (psych degree) who respects me as much as I respect him in some ways. (Tho’ he’s a pauper thru’ his own bad decisions, despite the gifts he was given: free house, education & job).

        I think commitment without a doubt – the old “thru’ thick ‘n thin” thing -says a lot about a man (or woman in my case). There is something wonderful about it – that firm steadiness to “keep hanging on” no matter what YOU are going through. I think they even realize we love them, albeit in our own pale-in-imitation sometimes way of showing it. I think you get the feeling a bit of what I mean right there. We try – we try VERY hard . . . but we fall down. A kick in the knees starting life doesn’t help none. (frowning). But it’s up to US to make the choice NOW – always has been – but sometimes it’s difficult (especially me with all my alters inside). However, we’re pretty much agreed: we all love our wife, and no longer merely tolerate her (on behalf of some of our beings, like Matthew, who had difficulty for a very long time. He’s Bi, if not homosexual, and has had his problems with women – long story. And ‘he’ was a virgin until he was 21 – technically speaking, we all were, because ‘he’ was the one making the decisions . . .

        Expect a roller coaster ride – I think I should say that to the both of you, and to the both of you offer a big ol’ grain of salt to take that with. But as my wife and I have found (especially after our experience last year) – if you hang on tightly, love can win out. And it always comes back stronger for having gone through it. Just ‘my’ take on things.

        Anyway – ya’ll two cuddle, have fun. 😉 My littles make sure my wife gets gobs of affection; we’ve become quite clingy this year (but not possessive by any means; she is quite free to come and go). But we kiss her a lot. And give hugs and “xo’s”.

        Affection always makes everything better, LOL.
        Ya’ll have some. 😀
        et all, Jeff & Crew (only a little bit insane today!)

        • H.H. Jeff, I think you are crazy as hell, I mean that in the best way possible. I also think you have some thought provoking wise words. Thank you for that.

        • Any comment starting with H.H. Is Hobbler’s husband. I think you are a little crazy too, but I think I’m a little crazy as well.

          Sorry to hear about your wife’s history, but maybe that helps her relate to you better. I think everything will work out okay. thanks for being supportive.

  2. Being both medicated and non-medicated has caused me to do things that I regret most of the time. It is a lot easier to justify while all drugged up. I was slowly self-destructing. I still feel empty and dead inside most of the time. When asked if I am suicidal I say “who has the energy to carry that out?” I am just too damn tired to care about anything to be honest. I hope it is not too late for you and H.H.

    • I’m sorry Tessa. I don’t think it’s to late for us. I’m getting off some meds though. I have lost hours, even days that I can’t remember. It’s scary.

      • Yes it can be very scary. I not only lose time, but I sound drunk. My daughter asked me if I was drunk since I was slurring my words. It is scary to be told what you were doing and you don’t remember it. Oh and with the girls only site, this morning I could access it and when I clicked notify me of new posts via email, it suddenly started asking me to log in with user name and password. Did you add that or is it just me that that is happening to? Anyhow I can’t access that blog anymore.

    • Okay. I’ll just hit my easy to forgive button. 😉

      It is hard to see any good coming from this. I will stop writing about it soon, so that will help. I need to deal with it for a little while. It helps me get perspective and value my husband more.

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