Yesterday I wrote a post about the difficulties of writing. I received a lot of encouragement from everyone who likes my writing. Since I am actually a great writer (according to you) I thought I’d share my tips for writing well:
How To Write
10. Quit your job. This may seem counterproductive, but there is nothing like desperately needing an income to force those words out. If you are nervous about quitting, bring a laptop to your job and write constantly there. They will fire you in no time.
9. Self-publish. It doesn’t matter what you self-publish. Grocery list? Self-publish. Letter to your sister? Self-publish. Hopefully you get my point. Having something already published looks good when you are submitting stuff to publishers. Even letters to the IRS can be self published, so get after it.
8. Stalk your favorite authors. This could potentially put you in jail, but think of the material you would get. You could write things like “What I Learned From Stalking” or “How to Survive the First Few Weeks in Jail”.
7. Kidnap your favorite author. This goes along with the previous tip. If your stalking is successful, you should find an opportunity to kidnap him/her. Having a dungeon set up in your basement will be helpful, but is not necessary. Any room with a door and no windows can be a perfect place. Once they are in your possession, torture writing tips out of them, or have them ghost write for you.
6. Write every day. This tip is all over the place, recommended by tons of experts. The key to writing every day is to tie a pen/pencil to your fingers. Then when you are cleaning the counters, you are writing. When you do laundry you are writing. I’ve never read anything that says the “writing every day” thing needs to be real words.
5. Read writing tips. There are so many tips out there for writers you could spend a lifetime reading them. In fact, you might as well give up on writing a book because you will be much too busy reading other people’s stuff.
4. Don’t sleep. Some of my best pieces have been written in the middle of the night. Do whatever drugs are needed to keep you up. Legal or illegal, find something that keeps you awake. As a bonus, you might get some housework done that you’ve been putting off.
3. Become a recluse. Leaving your home typically means leaving your manuscript, so rarely do it. I understand that some of you are not as fortunate as I am (being disabled), so if the temptation to leave your home is too strong, become too fat to fit through your door. Remember to work your fingers out so they don’t become too fat to type.
2. Don’t expect immediate results. Writing is a painfully slow process. First there is the time spent thinking of what you will write about. Then the actual production of the work. Submitting to publishers and hearing back will take years. Everything should fall into place after you are dead though, so at least you have something to look forward to.
1. Have a blog. Not only will this give you a great place to get your frustrations out, but you can get some free critiques and of course, tons of encouragement. Even for silly things like top ten lists.
Im confused now though, if i get too fat to leave the house this will seriously negate my stalking capabilities. Is it ok to hire someone to stalk and/or kidnap for you?
Good point. Yes, hiring someone is definitely okay.
You can also try luring them to your home. Meat on a stick only works for some writers. Traps baited with alcohol are a safer bet.
Ah, well done. There is some serious truth, and humour, in that list. I did one kind of similar on my blog, but not as helpful.
Saw it…clicked like. The first few lines were good. 😉 Just teasing you.
Ha!
I meant the snarky ten comprehensive writing tips one, i think you can find off to the right.
Yeah, I’m on there. It is similar to this in a lot of ways. More “to the point” but I am a woman. We like to talk.
Um. No comment.
Wise words…
🙂 You are too funny!
Thanks Tessa.
Hey, it seems I’m on the right track. Great advice.
Thanks! That will be $29.95.
That was amazing! XD I really liked the voice of the post.
Thank you. It was a fun post.
The first thing I thought of was “Misery”—even though she kidnapped him for different reasons. But what do you do if your favorite authors are dead??
I was thinking “The Collector” but that wasn’t an author. I think she was a librarian though. Close, but no cigar.
For the dead authors, you start séances. Make sure you invite plenty of people, take out a lot of ads in different papers and call news stations. If you get enough people to think you are crazy, you can guarantee a publishing contract.
So now you are writing 500 word essays on how to write to people who may not be good at it? This just seems cruel. Rub our faces in it, why don’t you? Words pour out of you like stuff pours out of both ends of a spring-breaker after a bad week in Tiajuana. We don’t all have a gift. Some of us just have a keyboard…
Whatever, but thanks. I like the spring-breaker line. I have thought about writing “how to write” stuff. Those things sell like hot-cakes. It would help if I was a published author, but I might be able to fake it.
According to your hubby, you ca… never mind. I was just messing with you anyway. That was a funny post.
That’s funny, and thank you. I try to throw a little humor in to a few of my posts. It makes the whining much more effective.
Good one.
OK so I’m on the right track so far – I’m currently between assignments so not working & since I quit smoking I’m getting fatter – soon I won’t be able to fit through the door, then hubby can quit bugging me to get back to work. I write something every day but sometimes it’s just a grocery list (Ode to Peas!)
Grocery lists are like a look into a person’s soul. Or stomach. Something in that general area…
If getting fat is taking too long, you should look into renting a jail cell until the book is done. 😉
But jail cells come with baloney sandwiches & I don’t like baloney!
Maybe you could rent a zoo cage instead. 😉
I think I would prefer to be a Hoarder & just block myself off in my bedroom & ensuite. Put a bar fridge & TV in the bedroom & I’d be all set with my laptop. Just think of all the stories I could tell then!
Sounds like a good plan.
Great post…funny…I would like to add large doses of caffeine and a side of obsession helps too. 😉
Wow, it’s like you are my long lost hypothetical twin. Caffeine and obsession are very important.
I think you should self-publish this.
Probably. I should self publish a whole non-writer’s guide to writing.
Wow. I didn’t realize writing well could be so illegal and/or detrimental to the author’s health.
It’s the high price of success in our field.
Great list. Thanks for sharing. I especially liked the tip on stalking my favorite author.
Thanks! I’m glad you liked it. I am not sure how well our favorite authors will like that tip, but at least we’ll have fun. 😉