A Rollal Pain

I still can’t stay long, since I’m trying to write for real, but I wanted to share this story with anyone who might still be stopping by. As a side note, do you think I will ever get published? I’m having confidence issues.

A Rollal Pain

Once upon a long time ago, there was a beautiful princess. Unfortunately, her beauty was only skin deep, for her behavior was quite the opposite.

She laughed at the poor. She had the cooks pluck each hair from kiwis before they were peeled for her. She had the minstrels play until their fingers bled, then locked them in the dungeon for bleeding on the floor.

The entire village hated her, yet the king and queen adored her and gave her everything she could want.

It came as no surprise the day the help was ordered what, from all other sources would have seemed a ridiculous demand.

“Go to the market and buy the finest linen there. Weave it into a soft cloth for the princess to wipe her bottom with after she uses the toilet. The cloth must be immediately washed after each use.”

Apparently the softest leaves that were gathered for her weren’t soft enough for her spoiled behind.

The butler did as he was asked and the weavers spun a small cloth for the requested purpose. It was only a few days before they were ordered to make a larger cloth for the “larger jobs”. They did as asked again, but soon were commanded to make a magical cloth that could grow or shrink on command.

The servants went to sorcerers throughout the village, but none could help. Fearing for their lives if they returned without the magical cloth, they went to the wise old man at the edge of the village.

He pondered the problem, and soon came up with a solution. He told them to make more small cloths, and lightly sew them together. The princess could then tear off as many pieces as were needed.

When the servants presented the quilted cloth to the king, he accepted it and presented it to his daughter. Although she stomped her feet some at the fact that it was not magical, her body got the best of her, and she used it. Eventually she grew accustomed to it, and the king and queen commissioned theirs to be made as well.

All was quiet in the castle, except the mumbling among the maids responsible for washing the cloths.

One day the princess had an upset stomach and spent most of the day in the restroom. While there, she decided that she was too beautiful to wipe her own behind, so she demanded one of the maids wipe it for her. Little did she know that the maid who was placed in charge of that task had previously been one of those washing the cloth. The maid, although resentful, did her job until the day the princess told her she was “so ugly that the only job she should do is wipe people’s butts”.

The maid had enough. When the princess was sleeping, she entered the room and strangled the princess with the very cloth she had used to wipe the princess’s rear with. She then strangled the kind and queen with their special cloths.

The kingdom rejoiced. People had become so sick of their crappy leaders. As a reward and a commemoration for the maid’s act of heroism, a special roll of thin, soft paper (which would be impossible to strangle someone with), that could easily been torn was presented to her.

The kingdom, without people on the throne, lived happily ever after…

…and now you know how toilet paper was invented.


15 thoughts on “A Rollal Pain

  1. And on a side note, anyone can get published just have to find the right agent or self-publish. If you don’t want to self-publish, you can’t give up hope. Just keep sending it in.

    • Thanks Benzeknees. It is going okay I guess. I don’t write as often as I should, but I’m getting a little done. I have submitted stuff to many different publishers, but so far no bites. The book I’m writing now should be easier to get published when I’m done. Controversial stuff usually works pretty well.

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