Naked to her very core,
Money falling to the floor.
She bends to clutch each dollar bill.
Their lustful eyes make her feel ill.
Her value shown in fists of rain.
A hollow life of worthless pain.
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Plays Well With Words
I liked it the only comment I would make (if I may) is for it to be set out as prose/poetry. You have the rhythm going, but it didn’t feel right reading it in this form.
I do like what you did with the prompt though. Sorry if I offended.
No offense. I thought about that too. It was another late night rambling, so sometimes I don’t pay as much attention to spelling and form…too out of it, I suppose, but good idea. Glad you liked it.
I like the rhyming story. Keeps it from being sing-songy.
Thanks! I read your comment after I had edited it to poem form, but I am so glad you liked it.
Loved the starkness here-great piece:-)
Thank you.
🙂
That was quite a lot in very little.
Words have a tendency to speak less when used more. At least in my experience…
I wish more people felt that way… HA!!!
Me too!
Word… about the words!
Wait… did you mean that the other way around? Because I did… or I guess it works both ways… ahhhhh
The more I talk, the more I wish I hadn’t. Words are kind of like junk food…(too much = big ass).
I want that on a T-shirt.
This reads a bit like a cruel song little kids would sing at someone they don’t like. It makes me feel sad for the woman ): It’s a good piece though.
Thank you. Sometimes I think we all miss the truth behind the obvious.
A dancer’s hopelessness, a drive through attendants’ stressful urgency, etc. Humanity is rarely seen through physical eyes. Sometimes you have to look with your heart.
So poignant and sensual. From your few words, I see her in great detail, her hopelessness grabs my belly, and I taste the dust on the floor as she bends down. Excellent piece.
Thank you Dianne! Very expressive comment as well.
You did a really good job writing the emotions is this.
Thank you so much.
A good counterpoint to a lot of the other pieces which glamorise the transaction. An excellent piece.
Thank you. I haven’t had a chance to read many others. Although I’m sure there are exotic dancers who are happy with their jobs, there have to be others who hate it.
I’m very late, but it’s great to hear from you again Hobbles!
I love seeing you in our linkz. Great job here. I think you’re right–some dancers love it, but some must absolutely hate it. I don’t think I’d be in the ‘loving it’ category.
A well written poem with a sad story. This is true in too many cases.
Love the last two lines.
“naked to her very core” – I like how your said so much about the woman’s vulnerability in so little words.
I love your blog. It’s no secret and so the nomination goes tooo http://simplypoeticme.com/2013/04/06/inspiring-blogger-award/