Truly Naked and Afraid

Love.

Simple four letter word.

Powerful aphrodisiac and repellant at the same time.

Teenage fantasy, elderly heartbreaker.

Songs proclaim it, flowers display it, some of us fear it…

Beautiful surrender, or violent takeover; it comes to conquer, and that it does.

I began to prepare when I learned of love’s true nature. I built walls and armored myself. I waited and in doing so, my defenses rusted. It invaded, captured my heart, altered my life, and now keeps me chained.

I’m chained to a fairy tale wish of happily ever after. Bound by unfathomable love for my kids. Desperately clinging to my husband’s love, while every ounce of my strength pushes him away.

I don’t want him to love me, yet I do. I don’t trust love. It is often pity in disguise. I hate it. I don’t know how to handle it, navigate it, express it. I want to escape it. Life would be simpler. Happier? I don’t deserve love. It is destroying me. Or is it the fight that’s causing my ruin? I feel trapped and lost at the same time.

Is this all in my head? Over thinking again? It’s exhausting, and I’m losing whatever I’m trying to hold on to.i don’t even know what that is anymore. Does anyone else feel these things? I’m bringing a whole new meaning to “naked and afraid”. Honesty, openness, is true nudity, and it appears I’m leading the club. Anyone following should know that I have no idea where I’m going.

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19 thoughts on “Truly Naked and Afraid

  1. I often feel afraid. Is this all there is? Should I try for more? Did I settle too soon? Do I even love him anymore? All valid questions. I can understand how you feel. There are times when I wish I didn’t have a terminal disease & he didn’t have to look after me. How can I tell if it’s pity or love? Would he be better off if I weren’t around anymore?

    • I can tell you this. I have seen men and women leave their significant others when trying to deal with either a terminal illness or a tragic event. If he is sticking around, its out of love not out of pity. Pity can be expressed anywhere, love stands by your side.

        • I could believe that it is. It’s not an easy situation for both of you. I don’t know your individual needs (probably in one of your blogs that I missed) but most likely he’s just annoyed by the things he has to do. What’s probably realyl weighing on him is seeing someone that he loves more than anyone in the world in a condition such as yours. He doesn’t need to be understanding, but I’m guessing both of you are in unfamiliar territory right now and that can be very rocky. Hang in there. 🙂

          • It is unfamiliar territory for both of us because I have always been so independent all my life. Now he basically has to look after all the housework & cooking because of my shortness of breath. He has to help me shower because I get so worn out. Thanks for your understanding Nuke!

            • Maybe every now and then you can write him a little note. Sincerely recognizing how much he does help now. I’m a bitch to my husband. Seriously, I’m awful. I take my pain and frustration out too much on him, but sometimes I do something little that’s nice and it really means a lot.

          • You are impressing me with your insightful ness Nuke. It is incredibly difficult to be in a relationship with someone ill. I can’t decide which is worse, caregiver, or invalid role, but both are full of frustration that can quickly kill romance.

  2. Dont’ worry. Most of us don’t know where we’re going either. We just look back at where we’ve been and hope that we can go somewhere better or get back to that happier time before innocence was replaced by anxiety and fear.

    That being said, there is always a shining beacon to guide you home. The trick is to find what your beacon is and to walk to it with strength and confidence. Finding it, however, is easier said than done when your whole world seems in chaos. But take some time and quiet your mind, talk to your inner self and see what it tells you. 🙂

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