Yah, I’m posting something else. PMAO does it all the time. I need to say something. I’m not well. Yeah, I have MS and broken bones and all that stuff, but I’m mentally unstable. Seriously. I imagine some of you are second guessing your choice to follow this blog, or maybe my mental state is what led you here in the first place. Writers are weird like that. Anyway, so I’m crazy. Terrified of making my kids this way. Wandering alone in the caverns of my mind. Watching reality fade away. Hoping to somehow write the insanity away. Writing is the only thing I have confidence in. I’m not actually a writer. Just a blogger, throwing words into the internet. Hoping that one day when I look at the splatter of words on the walls of my mind, they will make a crazy, magic picture thing that will answer the fruitless questions of my existence.
Just stop already.
Stop pretending you are something you’re not.
Stop wishing for something that doesn’t exist.
You are where you are.
You are who you are.
You are what you are.
Yeah, sometimes it sucks.
What’s the point?
I don’t know.
Maybe there’s some grand purpose.
Maybe there’s no reason at all.
It doesn’t matter.
I don’t know how it happened.
When, where, why.
I don’t know much at all, but I know this has to stop.
One way or another.
They cancelled my surgery Friday because my insurance will pay for the surgery, but not the required inpatient rehab. Imagine that.
In other news, I went to the store today, but I avoided eye contact with people. Was it the wheelchair? Not today, although I’m not in an “ignore the pity” mood. It’s the monstrous zit I have forming on my chin.
Why? I’m already disabled and broken and atrophied and everything else. Why can’t life just give me a break and let me have clear skin? If I had a magic wand today, I’d make everyone in wheelchairs drop-dead gorgeous. Have people stare for a good reason.
Alright, enough bitching, guess what day it is? Taco Tuesday! Everything is awesome…
Any of various conditions characterized by impairment of an individual’s normal cognitive, emotional, or behavioral functioning, and caused by social, psychological, biochemical, genetic, or other factors, such as infection or head trauma.
A human who has certain physiological processes aided or controlled by mechanical or electronic devices.
Verifiably mental ill individual. Composed of a variety of human and mechanical elements.
I’m having surgery Friday. Medication pump. A little scary, but the thought of going insane is the really scary part. Can you imagine what it feels like to see yourself losing your mind? It’s terrifying.
On the plus side, I already have a psychiatrist and a neurosurgeon, so maybe I’ll make it. Not so sure about the rest of the world. Psycho cyborgs aren’t usually the good guys in the movies.