Hurting


  

Yes, there’s the emotional pain of abandonment and loss and rejection, of my…nevermind. I shouldn’t even talk about that heartbreak. 

Physical pain is kicking my ass at the moment. It feels like my legs are burning and being crushed at the same time, and then they spasm and I can’t describe it. From an 8 to a 10. Thankfully each only lasts a second, and they only come every 30 seconds or so. Nothing like real pain to distract you from emotional bs. 

That said, I’ll always miss you.

Forever Yours


Forever Yours

You helped me to stand on my own.

You publicly and privately protected and nurtured me.

Your “love” and “guidance” were steady and sheltering.

Your passion was severe.

You own parts of me, and those parts are a daily reminder of your love.

A “me” we can all live with, is the “me” you helped create.

I will always love you.

Even when you fall in love with someone else.

Yes, we can survive.

Yes, we’re each getting stronger.

Yes, I am happier, as are you.

Part of me is still forever yours.

A small glimmer of hope prevailed.

A life for each of us is possible.

Healthy relationships are possible.

We are each smart.

We are each valuable.

We are both good at so many things.

Can’t we love again?

Can’t we accept each other again?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes

No to the last two.

Our love, isn’t “again”. Neither of us want’s that “again”.

We have a new love. A love that values, appreciates, and supports our differences.

Stronger than any hate, my love for you

Is forever yours.

The Box


20140829-100715.jpg

Once upon a time there was a box. It was a beautiful box, at least it had been. Over the years it had become dented and worn, but it still functioned as a box.

As time went on, the box became a little frustrating. The inside of the box felt stuffy and claustrophobic, while the outside of the box felt chained down. The bright colors of the box had become a dismal gray.

The world outside the box talked about how stable boxes should look and act. The world inside the box was comforted and sheltered by the box, but aware of its fragile state.

The world outside said the box should never open. The world inside needed the box. The box was dying.

What if the inside and the outside of the box agreed to open the box? The shelter for the inside world would remain stable and could be closed when needed. The outside world might not understand, but do they really understand now?

Here’s to open boxes!

Life and death emergency, please help me


20140828-153152.jpg

I picked up a prescription today. If I had paid cash it would have cost $1,713.73. Thanks to my medicare “advantage” plan I paid $691.18. Thanks to my husband I was able to get this. The copayment would have been more than my monthly social security disability “benefits”.

There are thousands of people in America just like me. I’m not done yet. I have this cause, this movement to fight for, but many of those thousands are done with this life, but their body hasn’t died yet. Quit making your grandma choose between meds that make her sick, or food that she can’t taste, while she begs you to help her.

Let us go!

How dare you sentence us to a life of meager existence to ease your conscience!

No one should spend their life savings as they writhe in pain to wait until something “naturally” kills them. The arguments against assisted suicide stem from superstition and religion.

WAKE UP!

Someone reading this knows someone who can help me. Please! I’m just one person, but we can do this together.

Wonderful News!


Someone finally asked me why I want to die! It’s starting…

20140826-133600.jpg

I went to two of the stores I frequent most and asked if my dogs can use their stores as training grounds for becoming service dogs. I want our min pin imposter to be capable of opening manual doors, picking up dropped items, pulling items off the lower shelves in stores, and being good. Our smaller dog rides on my lap in stores and I would like her to be able to pull items off midrange shelves.

My hands are growing dangerously numb. Like don’t know they’re in the fire numb. Multiple sclerosis always affected me from the waste down until a few years ago when my fingers started getting numb. Now it’s both of my entire hands.

I’m probably going to have to invest in some Dragon Naturally Speaking software for writing soon, so prepare for lots of typos.

Anyway, so a store employee asked me why I want to die. I explained how I want to plan my death just like people do weddings or funerals. I explained that I would like to pull the plug before my kids are wiping my ass. The only arguments I can possibly conceive are all religiously based. Why the un-religious members of society haven’t already pushed for this is beyond me.

I also got a chance to talk to a neighbor about this.

Bottom line though, I desperately need a lawyer. Has to be pro bono, but the publicity alone will be payment enough.

I spoke with the city attorney about it, and will post more from that conversation later, but I have a much bigger plan that I definitely need a lawyer before I implement.

Th city attorney recommended I speak with lawyers who are used to dealing with wills and stuff. So, if anyone knows a lawyer who is open minded, wants interesting cases, and willing to work for publicity, please direct them to me.

Proactive Death Squad


20140820-142928.jpg

I’m starting a movement. Join me!

I wrote “I want to die, ask me why” on a tshirt and wore it around town. No one asked me why. So disappointing, but im not giving up.

I am waiting to hear from the city attorney about the legal ramifications of planning my own death. In speaking with our local newsletter agency, it was determined that I should take full advantage of social media to network and create buzz.

The girl there said that the concept is newsworthy, and that I can keep her informed of progress, but I need to get a little more momentum before they would do an article on it.

So, basically I need to make a Facebook page for the cause, start recruiting, etc. I designed a shirt on Booster.com, but it might need a different design too.

Here’s a link for that: https://www.booster.com/dyingwithstyle. You can actually buy the shirt and support awareness, but there is a minimum order amount, so if I can’t sell enough, they won’t print.

I’m doing this, I will find a way to get it viral or something, please help! If you know web design, I could use a site. If you have ideas for a shirt to get people talking, please share. I also could use some sort of trademark or logo for all my material, if any of you do design.

I’m thinking of calling all of us who support this idea the Proactive Death Squad. Provocative enough?

I’m asking for free help, resources, etc. if you have any knowledge of fundraising/crowd sourcing, please give me ideas too! Thanks everyone!