Rules for being a Pessimist

#10. Refuse to listen to music that is easy to remember (a sign of happy tunes).

#9. Get the doctor to prescribe something to you so that you can prove how sick you are.

#8. Remember to notify everyone you know when something bad happens.

#7. If someone tells you good news, immediately counter with “it’s too bad we didn’t hear it earlier.”

#6. If you have children or are caring for an elderly parent, be sure to join a support group.

#5. Post a depressing status on your Facebook so that everyone is forced to see your misery.

#4. Act like you are happy occasionally so that the effect of being sad/angry is more easily recognizable.

#3. If someone asks “how are you” it is their invitation to hear about everything that is wrong…don’t let them down by saying “fine.”

#2. Practise frowning each night in front of the mirror so the worry and frown lines in your face look deeper.

#1. If a check-out person says “Have a good day,” let them know your__________(aunt, dog, friend, fish, etc.) just died.

If you follow these rules you are sure to depress or anger someone else, which of course would make your day.

Why I Hate To Cook: Top Ten

#10. My mom read Hansel and Gretel to me and I’ve been scared of ovens ever since.

#9.  I’m trying to prove that preservatives are bad for you by eating only pre-cooked meals.

#8. It is a chore that never truly ends (similar to laundry and brushing your teeth).

#7. Too many reality tv shows about cooking…it’s way over-rated.

#6. Every ounce of energy and time spent cooking creates a waste after the meal… dishes, trash, leftover storage, moldy disposal of previous leftovers, bodily waste, and don’t get me started on picky eaters or other dinner time drama.

#5. Somehow a hair ends up in too many dishes. (Never the ones we serve to guests so if you are coming over, don’t worry).

#4. The pots and pans look so much nicer when they have never been used.

#3. Every time I chop vegetables, I worry that I might be killing the Veggie Tales characters.

#2. There are so many readily available crappy food restaurants, why make your own?

#1. If God had wanted me to cook, I wouldn’t only be able to make babies in my “oven”.

Yes, I heard you but…

10. My head was already so full of useless knowledge that it couldn’t process more.

9. You have a really long hair sticking out of your nose.

8. I didn’t think you were serious.

7. *This one is for the men out there: I lied…I didn’t really hear you. I was too busy looking at your boobs.

6. *this is for the hookers: you aren’t paying me to listen.

5. *this is for the drive through attendant: could you repeat that?

4. I wasn’t actually listening.

3. It seemed less important than my other thoughts.

2. I thought you were talking to yourself again.

1. It was stupid…I didn’t want to tell you, but you kept pushing it.

How to be someone else: Top Ten

Many of us have days, weeks, or at least moments when we wish we were someone else. Since we don’t all have Michael Jackson money, here are some practical ideas for helping with this problem:

10. Go crazy – some people call it a psychotic break, others call it a vacation. Either way, going crazy is one of those things that will help friends and family members recognize that they aren’t in Kansas anymore.
 9. Fake it – go out and buy that blonde wig…if you are already blonde, go ask a sales person to help you find a wig that is not the same color as your hair. If hair is not a concern, go get that padded bra (sock in underwear for the guys). If neither of these is a concern, go read someone’s blog who is as wonderful as you are…this blog is for people with real problems…
8. Think of your favorite things – it worked for “Maria” in Sound of Music…if it is not working for you, just be happy that some of your favorite things do not include “door-bells, and sleigh-bells, and schnitzel with noodles.”

7. Be someone else – odds are that the world will not end if you sit around all day watching movies. If you usually do that, why not try something adventurous for a change? This blog offers a money back guarantee on all advice, so go ahead and try it.

6. Become a spy – This is especially helpful if your day-job is boring…or if you are a little kid with older brothers or sisters to annoy.

5. Talk your problems out – If you are desiring to be someone else, you probably have some things going on in your life that you are not too thrilled about. Get together with a friend, find a pastor with some time on his hands, talk to your dog…their sense of smell is not their only great quality…they are wonderful listeners.

4. Write down some things you are thankful for – *This advice is excluded from the money-back guarantee. The author thought she should put it in here because just about every self-help book suggests this, and she would like to get paid too.

3. Wish for it  – To see how this is capable of changing your life, just check out most Christmas movies, or Freaky Friday, Opposite Day, etc.

2. Distract yourslef – Psychiotrists might tell you that you need to think through and address your difficulties, but what do they know? A lot of my problems have been solved when I move on to something else and forget about them…now that I am thinking about them, I’m starting to remember that they haven’t gone away…scratch that advice.

1. Start a blog and be someone compleltely different – That is one of the wonderful things about the internet, you can pretend like you are not as psychotic as you sometimes act. You could also pretend you are psychotic. Or you really could be psychotic…if this is you, stay away from my blog and go find some girl taking a shower.

Best things about doing laundry: Top ten

Since I hate doing laundry, but am not a nudist, I thought I should use the “power of positive thinking” mumbo-jumbo to discover my hidden passion for the mountains of dirty and clean clothes that have taken over my life. … Continue reading

Surely I’m not the only one

10. Who occasionally wonders what life would be like if she had never been introduced to chocolate. 9. Who sometimes squints while looking in the mirror so her pimples, worry lines, other skin flaws don’t look so bad. 8. Who … Continue reading