Truly Naked and Afraid


Love.

Simple four letter word.

Powerful aphrodisiac and repellant at the same time.

Teenage fantasy, elderly heartbreaker.

Songs proclaim it, flowers display it, some of us fear it…

Beautiful surrender, or violent takeover; it comes to conquer, and that it does.

I began to prepare when I learned of love’s true nature. I built walls and armored myself. I waited and in doing so, my defenses rusted. It invaded, captured my heart, altered my life, and now keeps me chained.

I’m chained to a fairy tale wish of happily ever after. Bound by unfathomable love for my kids. Desperately clinging to my husband’s love, while every ounce of my strength pushes him away.

I don’t want him to love me, yet I do. I don’t trust love. It is often pity in disguise. I hate it. I don’t know how to handle it, navigate it, express it. I want to escape it. Life would be simpler. Happier? I don’t deserve love. It is destroying me. Or is it the fight that’s causing my ruin? I feel trapped and lost at the same time.

Is this all in my head? Over thinking again? It’s exhausting, and I’m losing whatever I’m trying to hold on to.i don’t even know what that is anymore. Does anyone else feel these things? I’m bringing a whole new meaning to “naked and afraid”. Honesty, openness, is true nudity, and it appears I’m leading the club. Anyone following should know that I have no idea where I’m going.