Why I Hate To Cook: Top Ten

#10. My mom read Hansel and Gretel to me and I’ve been scared of ovens ever since.

#9.  I’m trying to prove that preservatives are bad for you by eating only pre-cooked meals.

#8. It is a chore that never truly ends (similar to laundry and brushing your teeth).

#7. Too many reality tv shows about cooking…it’s way over-rated.

#6. Every ounce of energy and time spent cooking creates a waste after the meal… dishes, trash, leftover storage, moldy disposal of previous leftovers, bodily waste, and don’t get me started on picky eaters or other dinner time drama.

#5. Somehow a hair ends up in too many dishes. (Never the ones we serve to guests so if you are coming over, don’t worry).

#4. The pots and pans look so much nicer when they have never been used.

#3. Every time I chop vegetables, I worry that I might be killing the Veggie Tales characters.

#2. There are so many readily available crappy food restaurants, why make your own?

#1. If God had wanted me to cook, I wouldn’t only be able to make babies in my “oven”.

I never believed in ghosts…but now that my cake is disappearing…

It started like any other Friday, I was working diligently, sweat pouring from my brow, on all the daily housework (see that honey); when I realized that it was time for my littlest one to go to school. Since I … Continue reading

You don’t own me…but for 3 easy payments of $19.95…

When I was a child, my mother taught piano lessons. One of the songs we were naturally forced to learn was called “Money Can’t Buy Everything“. The lyrics were: Money can’t buy everything. Money can’t make you a king. Money … Continue reading

Temporary fixes for permanent problems

As I carefully backed my wheelchair over the wobbly ramp I had thrown together the other day, I started thinking about how many things I do that momentarily solve problems, but in the long run are pretty much useless.

Things like: putting makeup on, exercising, laundry, cooking, mowing, etc. Why is it that we spend so much time and effort on things that ultimately don’t matter? Ok, maybe we get pleasure from the acts, but that doesn’t usually last either. Short-term fixes are usually cheaper too, which I’m sure is a big reason they are so popular. So in the name of posterity, I have come up with more permanent fixes for these repetitive problems:

Putting makeup on – Permanent makeup aka tattoos. Not only would you never have to dirty wash-rags with your blue eyeshadow or hot pink lipstick; you could become a conversation topic everywhere you go. As for wrinkles and bags under the eyes, it has been said that if you put a vacuum cleaner hose up to your right ear, you can tighten your entire face with the push of a button. (This works best in front of a large group of people because wrinkles and bags tend to have stage fright.) *BONUS: Cuts down on TV commercial volume changes.

Exercising – This one is easy…clone yourself when you are in the best shape of your life. Freeze the clone (so it wouldn’t lose shape) and have a brain transplant when the weight starts coming back.

Laundry – Crayola might already be working on this one…dry erase clothes. Teens can make their own fashion statement, kids can practice their alphabet, and best of all…no laundry, just rub it off.

Cooking – Aside from a never-ending supply of space food, I’m not too sure about this one. Well, I guess you could go on that raw food diet thing, but that is still a lot of prep and mess. Probably the easiest thing would be to focus all scientific endeavors on finding a cure for bodily waste. If it’s not empty you can’t fill it up.

Mowing – Fake grass if you can afford it, if not, spray painted dirt. It might not have the same feel under your toes, but you could easily have the greenest yard on the block.

Why did I go outside?

The thought of finally getting to go somewhere was thrilling…not so much the actual going. Did anyone know that it is about 110 degrees out there? Now add a 7 and a 5-year-old on your (slowly rolling so that we wouldn’t tip the wheelchair over) lap and it gets up to about 150.

Actually, it still was fun to go out without a driver. We ended up buying some candy, nail polish (for 5-year-old), super glue, freezer pops, toy skate boards (for 7-year-old), and more candy.  Oh yeah, drinks of course. We almost tipped the wheelchair a few times, and I’m sure everyone who passed by us must have thought we were a circus act.

Overall, a very fun, exciting, dangerous and hot adventure. I think we might submit the story to that I Shouldn’t Be Alive television show. I hope everyone who reads this enjoys their nice air-conditioned cars with seats for everyone. I do think we might have experienced more of an adventure than any other trip to the Dollar Store though.

Be prepared donut shop, we are coming for you next.