To My Husband: 1st date truth


First of all, I am a little offended that you all didn’t think I went to a strip club on our first date. What, I’m not good enough to frequent strip clubs? What a bunch of judgmental bloggers…

Anyway, you were right, no drunken strip club that night.

In the interest of not boring anyone, how long do you think we dated before I was diagnosed with MS?

Thank you: Part Two


I kept it buried deep inside
  The secret pain was easy to hide.
I laughed, I smiled, I loved, I lost,
  No one knew the infinite cost.
Of trying just to stay alive.
  Of holding fears and doubts inside.
It was easy just to fake a smile
  Easy to pretend a while.
But little did the whole world know
  That loneliness doesn’t always show.
My life, my lies, had torn apart
  The fragile pieces of my heart.
I’d been so close to giving up
  I’d tasted of that poison cup.
But then one day I failed to stand.
  And someone reached out a helping hand.
The funny thing, I came to see
 Was that they were just as broken as me.
They needed me just as much
  As I needed their loving touch.
Our pain can be the ties that bind
  The fragments of our hearts and minds.
A life was saved, an illusion tossed
  Heartbreak might come, but not all is lost.

Sorry, I couldn’t really post everything I wanted to say earlier. Bats is alive…okay…thankful. I am too.

I knew that there were plenty of bloggers who care, but yesterday proved that fact. Over 300 people viewed my posts about Bats, and many of you went on her blog and commented…just incredible things. I don’t really know what to say other than thank you. You have played a huge part in Bats life, and in mine. I have mentioned in the past that over the years I have become quite cynical of life and people in general. I see a lot of the good in people, but I also see a lot of the fake side of people. Since I am disabled, people in general are nice to me. That is good, and I really appreciate it, but watching how people treat me verses others is quite interesting, to say the least.

We all have chains. Some of mine are pretty obvious, like the wheelchair or walker, but others lie under the surface. Those hidden chains can be more painful and destructive than any physical quality I have. As we’ve all seen, other people are struggling to break free of some of their own pain. Their own cages. Sometimes the easiest, and most definite way to break free of something seems to be suicide. That battle to give in to the “escape forever” route is a constant struggle for me, and I’m sure others. It isn’t something that you can just “get over”. It isn’t “selfish” when one of the biggest reasons you want to do it, is because you think people really would be better off without you. Suicide, or other self-destructive things are not just people being freaks, or people being stupid, or whatever. It is an outward manifestation of an internal struggle that goes way deeper than any particular “cause”.

The thing about blogging is that each day people cross our paths that we often don’t think about other than the number of comments on a post, or how many people followed your blog. This is a luxury I don’t want to take. It is hard to connect with everyone who steps briefly into our lives, but sometimes it is good for us to try. My blog is not designed for self-help or a support group. It is not something that people would pull up right away if they did a search for suicide, or pain, or heartbreak; but I have had enough experience with these issues to know how to talk to someone else who is struggling. I also know enough about those subjects to know that sometimes it is best not to talk, but to just listen, or even just be there. I’d like to think that each of us has something that we know a little too well. Our hardships don’t have to just stay buried. They don’t have to be chains that hold us back. They can be chains that connect us to other people who can help us or need us to help them. I hope that makes sense.

Forever grateful, blogger number 5,186,209 Rebekah. Another wounded soul.