My letter to FaceBook

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Dear F.B.

If I tell you, will you quit asking? My status is eager. You know what is even more weird?

Your obsession with me.

Your emails after the first breakup were…excessive and pushy. The only reason I’m here is because you are holding my friends and family captive.

Look, the reason I avoided you in the first place, was because you were so clingy and needy. You wanted to know everything about me: where I grew up, what music I like, etc. Then you want to follow me everywhere, and you even sent “friends” to track me.

You want me to tell you my whole life story and give you every possible way to contact me.

It’s just plain weird. You need help.

That said, I have to be here on FaceBook for a while, so I hope we can be friends.

Sincerely, Becky

Reality Check

If you are looking for a funny cat video or pictures of beautiful people smiling, check the rest of the internet. I interrupt this regularly witty blog for a shot of reality, which unfortunately is a hard thing to come … Continue reading

Black Death: My Most Recent Panic Attack

This post contains some disturbing content, but it addresses an important subject that not enough attention is given to, so please just quit your whining and listen up. When I woke up this morning, I had a funny taste in … Continue reading

Disturbing Trend

Today, while faithfully checking my stats, I noticed a disturbing trend. More people like me that don’t know me than those who do. As I began to over-analyze this strange phenomenon (I am a woman after all), I realized that this could not be because I am less brilliant in person than I am in writing. I also am just as charming, funny, etc. so since it couldn’t be something wrong with me; it must be something wrong with them. With that in mind, here is a list of possible explanations:

  • They can’t read – although this seems improbable, sometimes people hide things that they are ashamed of. For all I know, all my Facebook “friends” are actually 4th graders being paid to write about the daily life of their bosses. (That would also explain some of the spelling errors).
  • They don’t want the publicity of being associated with me – being a celebrity does have a downside; the constant autograph signings, the paparazzi, the photographers, it is no wonder those who know me hide that fact.
  • They are too busy – As we all know, keeping up with all the social media in our lives can be quite demanding. When weighing the options of how to manage their time, it is not surprising that many choose to let the world know where and how they are, as well as other important details like when they last used the restroom, what they had for lunch, etc. and after all that updating, they are probably too exhausted to read a blog.
  • I’m not dying  – Have you ever noticed how popular dying people are? I often think to myself “you would read it if I was dead”. I guess dying people are just more interesting…suddenly people are curious about your thoughts, feelings, and words. It’s a morbid world out there.
  • On the off-chance that my friends either: are reading my blog, don’t realize I had a blog, really do have more important things to do, etc. ………I didn’t mean anything I just said…really, I understand why you can’t devote your time…I was just joking about the 4th grade spelling errors…of course I still love you…

(For all my blog buddies, forget that last point. I have to try to keep some real friends just in case) 😉

Ode to WordPress

How wonderful I think of thee.

I type, although I need to pee.

Fat and thin, all alike

Can act like we swim or ride a bike.

My stats so often I will check,

That I soon get a cramp in my neck.

My butt is sore, my legs are hairy

But to walk away now would be quite scary

Cause, what if someone would subscribe

Besides the two I had to bribe?

So here all day I’ll faithfully sit

With each new post, hoping people like it.

Oh WordPress I could never do

Without my only friend….that’s you.


Why did I go outside?

The thought of finally getting to go somewhere was thrilling…not so much the actual going. Did anyone know that it is about 110 degrees out there? Now add a 7 and a 5-year-old on your (slowly rolling so that we wouldn’t tip the wheelchair over) lap and it gets up to about 150.

Actually, it still was fun to go out without a driver. We ended up buying some candy, nail polish (for 5-year-old), super glue, freezer pops, toy skate boards (for 7-year-old), and more candy.  Oh yeah, drinks of course. We almost tipped the wheelchair a few times, and I’m sure everyone who passed by us must have thought we were a circus act.

Overall, a very fun, exciting, dangerous and hot adventure. I think we might submit the story to that I Shouldn’t Be Alive television show. I hope everyone who reads this enjoys their nice air-conditioned cars with seats for everyone. I do think we might have experienced more of an adventure than any other trip to the Dollar Store though.

Be prepared donut shop, we are coming for you next.

Top five companies trying to take over the world

#5 – Apple corporation – iPhones, iPods, iTunes…  Indistructable Idealistic Individuals Intent on Instant Information Idolitry. Yep, you heard it here first folks.

#4 – eharmony and – Anyone who is single has undoubtedly had someone suggest one of these sites to you in a “loving” and “well-meaning” way. Since “1 in 4 relationships begins online” some of the people reading this “met their fiance or spouse” with one of those sites. Their fine print probably states their true intentions of convincing us that no one would really like us in person, so we should spend our lives on one of their sites. To all my single friends, I say stand up to the machine! Lots of people still meet in bars and get married in Vegas. Don’t lose hope! 🙂

#3 – Charmin Toilet Paper – No one wants their bear behind to have little pieces left on it, and everyone needs to wipe their butt. Enough said.

#2 – Taco Bell: From their old commercials with the Taco Bell Dog (Yo Quiero Taco Bell) to their insistence of the existence of “Fourth Meal”, Taco Bell has been sending a clear message that they are necessary for our survival in this modern world. Even their cute little messages on packages of salsa are enough to alert any respectable conspiracy theorist to their true intentions. Don’t forget their famous April Fool’s Day Hoax in which they reportedly were buying the Liberty Bell. We are onto you, you mouth-watering, flavorful company who demands our late night craving…

#1 – Facebook: Where else can you connect with long-lost friends, interact with people you hardly know, play games and annoy others with each little detail of the game, share the intimate details of your life-like what you are having for dinner or where you are at this very second, answer random questions about people, etc.? What isn’t so easy to access is how much information Facebook is storing about you, what Facebook does with that information, and whether or not Facebook is an elaborate alien infrastructure set up to analyze earth’s weaknesses in an attempt to destroy us from the inside out.

If you are already taken over by any of these companies, please understand that these comments do not necessarily represent the opinions of my other personalities, so don’t come after me with your scary zombie friends.