Why walk when you could fly update

This post probably won’t make much sense unless you read this first.

So, I’ve been thinking about the feather thing and maybe it would be better to get/make little parachute guys to drop with the real skydiver. We could put “I flew for___________” on the parachute for the little ones. Like, “I flew for the Hobbler” or “I flew for my mom” you get the idea right?

The feather just wouldn’t make as much of an impact as little paratroopers supporting the cause. Anyway, please let me know what you think.

Dear Dryer: Your turn now buddy!

It has come to my attention that after my “Dear Washer” letter yesterday, you have been giving my soon-to-be-ex quite a difficult time. This letter is to inform you of certain…let’s say…inadequacies on your part. First of all, you make … Continue reading

Dear washing machine,

I don’t really know how to say this, so I’m going to be brutally honest. I’m just not attracted to you anymore. When we met, I’ll admit that the relationship was purely physical. You looked pretty good next to all … Continue reading

I’m too sexy…errr hairy…

This post was inspired by a WordPress friend. Please read her post here before continuing, it will definitely be worth your time. If you have never heard this song, watch the real version first, then click the karaoke version and have it playing in the background while you insert the lyrics here.

Occasionally I remake song lyrics into more meaningful expressions of daily life. This one is for you, Life is a Bowl of Kibble; although I, and probably many of you, can relate.


I’m too hairy for my love
Too hairy for my love
Love’s going to leave me
I’m too hairy for makeup
Too hairy for makeup
Look like a wolf pup
And I’m too hairy I should shave
Too hairy I should shave
Or hide in a cave
And I’m too hairy for your picture
Too hairy for your picture
No way I will endure
I’m a woman you know that should mean
That I won’t get little hairs on my cheekbones
I’m a woman you know that should mean
That my face shouldn’t look like Sly Stallone’s
I’m too hairy for the store
Too hairy for the store
Won’t open the door
And I’m too hairy I should wax
Too hairy I should wax
Stop hair in its tracks
I’m a woman you know that should mean
That my chin will not be sprouting black hair
I’m a woman you know that should mean
I wouldn’t have as much hair as a brown bear
I’m too hairy for my
Too hairy for my, too hairy for my
‘Cause I’m a woman you know that should mean
Facial hair will make me start to freak out
I’m a woman you know that will mean
I will soon start to beg, cry, scream and shout
I’m too hairy like a cat
So hairy like a cat
This is worse than being fat
I’m so hairy I feel sick
So hairy I feel sick
It’s so gross and thick
And I’m too hairy for this song

All botoxed up and nowhere to go

Well, it’s finally here. Just got done shooting up. No, not like that, I got Botox. In my leg. Just in case you are wondering, my legs are not wrinkled (although they are a little hairy at the moment).

Hopefully the Botox will paralyze the hyper-active muscles in my leg so I can really work out the atrophied muscles without the spasms getting in the way. That’s the plan at least.

Anyway, the point is; I got Botox. After trying my luck at being a supermodel or an end cap at home depot; I figure now that I have Botox in my system, I should probably be an actress. I would be a Cougar, but I’m happily married and not creepy enough to go for people half my age.

My biggest problem is that I don’t know the in’s and out’s of being a movie star or even a crazy want-to-be Barbie. So I guess I’ll just hope this Botox eases a little pain and allows me to get buff. If it does, I can pursue something I’m really good at. Something like the strong man competition. Except I’m not a man…well, it’s about time they had a strong-woman-supermodel-Botox filled-wheelchair-writing competition anyway. Hey, it could happen…

New Years Resolutions: I Might Actually Keep

This time of year seems to usher in a whole new sense of believing…believing we are going to accomplish things that realistically are way out of our league. With this in mind, I thought I would make a list of resolutions I might actually be able to keep:

1. Embarrass my children more – Kids grow up fast these days; with all the hormones in our food and water. As parents, it is our responsibility to give our children something they can aspire not to be. Studies have shown that children who were regularly embarrassed by their family members, develop better coping skills and more resilience than kids from well-adjusted families.* The future of the world is in our hands mom and dad…let’s do our part to better society.

2. Develop a bad habit – According to a recent study, it is easier to stop a bad habit than it is to create a good one.* Next New Year’s Day, I plan on having at least 5 or 6 bad habits to resolve to stop.

3. Super-glue my mouth shut – Don’t you hate it when people resolve to be kinder? Or to not talk about themselves all the time? Some people even do silly things like resolving to eat less or stop eating unhealthy foods. When is everyone going to realize that super-glue can fix things will-power would never be able to? Why we squander this resource on merely fixing things is a mystery to me.

4. Exercise more – I’m going to exercise my delegating skills, exercise my remote control, exercise my right to vote, etc. By the end of 2012 I hope to have exercised my way to the top…top of the food chain at least.

5. Give to others – When making this resolution, it is important to realize that you don’t have to have a lot to give a lot. You can give people advice, give out the wrong number, give others a chance…to get out of your way, give your body odor to pleasantly scented rooms, and many other things. Many great leaders will tell you that they never would have made it in their field if it were not for people in their life telling them they would not make it. Who are we to withhold that observation from all we see who are struggling with something? Your harsh criticism might be what pushes them to become the best at whatever they are trying for.

If you have any practical resolutions, feel free to suggest them. By sharing our suggestions we can create accountability for each other and possibly become the people we hate to be around. Let’s do this!

*Any study or other thing suggested in this post is probably around somewhere in the world, but I didn’t actually find it…interactive blogging is my specialty, so find your own statistics.

7 x 7 Link Award

There are few people who you know in the wonderful world of blogging…yet, you feel as if you know them in real life…like a good friend. Recently I was nominated for this award by one of those people…Life is a … Continue reading

Beauty and Other Illusions

Although I recognize that there are some people in this world that one or maybe millions of people find attractive, this “beauty” thing has bothered me for quite some time.

My sister likes Harry Connick Junior…”likes” as in drooling all over. Just kidding sis. I just needed to prove my point by using you. Sorry. Personally I don’t think he is attractive at all, although he does have some talent.

I’ll admit that I have seen couples and wondered what they saw in each other (shallow I know…I don’t do it much now that I’m older). There have also been many people who might be attractive to one person,  but completely plain/ugly to another.

Sometimes someone might not strike me as beautiful right away, but as I get to know their personality, they become more and more attractive. The opposite is true also. Some beautiful people become disgustingly ugly based on how they act or treat others.

This pondering made me realize that beauty is actually an illusion. Something we see because we want to see it, like water in the desert. If beauty is an illusion, than ugliness is as well, because the whole idea of being ugly is based on a comparison to beautiful.

I don’t always act on this idea. Sometimes I look in the mirror and see what I want to see, but most of the time I see my imperfections. If you occasionally (or always) think of yourself or others as ugly or beautiful, like I do, maybe we need to start looking for some real refreshment and stop chasing mirages.

Some other things that I think are actually illusions are: worthlessness, inadequacy, and the feeling of being better than others. I understand that these might be real feelings, they are just not true feelings, so let’s not act on them.

Sorry this post hasn’t been funny like usual. I guess even us humorist’s have deeper thoughts sometimes.

Remember, everyone is beautiful in the dark 😉

Supermodel or Home Improvement Store – Is there really any difference?

On the surface these two things might not seem similar, but when you start thinking about it, they really are. The reason I started thinking about this is I got my latest fashion accessory yesterday. It is a leg brace … Continue reading