Truly Naked and Afraid


Love.

Simple four letter word.

Powerful aphrodisiac and repellant at the same time.

Teenage fantasy, elderly heartbreaker.

Songs proclaim it, flowers display it, some of us fear it…

Beautiful surrender, or violent takeover; it comes to conquer, and that it does.

I began to prepare when I learned of love’s true nature. I built walls and armored myself. I waited and in doing so, my defenses rusted. It invaded, captured my heart, altered my life, and now keeps me chained.

I’m chained to a fairy tale wish of happily ever after. Bound by unfathomable love for my kids. Desperately clinging to my husband’s love, while every ounce of my strength pushes him away.

I don’t want him to love me, yet I do. I don’t trust love. It is often pity in disguise. I hate it. I don’t know how to handle it, navigate it, express it. I want to escape it. Life would be simpler. Happier? I don’t deserve love. It is destroying me. Or is it the fight that’s causing my ruin? I feel trapped and lost at the same time.

Is this all in my head? Over thinking again? It’s exhausting, and I’m losing whatever I’m trying to hold on to.i don’t even know what that is anymore. Does anyone else feel these things? I’m bringing a whole new meaning to “naked and afraid”. Honesty, openness, is true nudity, and it appears I’m leading the club. Anyone following should know that I have no idea where I’m going.

Honestly


Can I just get real here for a second and vent?

My blog right? Ok.

Sometimes, like today, I feel like my whole life was designed for someone else.

I have beautiful, happy, healthy kids. My husband is handsome and charming and works his ass off for his family. We have a great house with plenty of room for everyone, and even our dogs are almost as great as having a cat would be…

Then there’s me. I rarely go into half of our house, cause its upstairs and I have to scoot/crawl/etc. to get up there. I can’t teach my kids to ride a bike, or do lots of other stuff that requires working legs. My husband deserves a sexy wife, not one with shriveled up legs and currently a swollen eyelid (my body doesn’t like me, so it attacks in all sorts of ways).

I’m hurting, probably hormonal, and just whiny in general, but sometimes I’m so tired of fighting. This life wasn’t designed for people like me. My family deserves better.

Alright, enough of a pity party. I’m here right? Got to suck it up and do the best I can. I’m trying to be brave, but I desperately fear being useless. Okay, here’s some motivation…

One day I will do this, and I’ll be sure to write about it too. If I’m in a perfect position to do anything in this life, it’s to flash dance in my wheelchair while riding around town.