Here is a real version, and here is one for you to karaoke with my new lyrics to. Frosty the stoned man Was a jolly happy soul, With a silver pipe and a runny nose And eyes so red … Continue reading
I recently had a troubling experience. After traveling on a mini vacation with my husband, I found myself in need of a restroom. Most fast food chains have fairly clean, and easily accessible restrooms for someone in a wheelchair. Knowing … Continue reading
Jerry: Oh man, I could destroy you. Get a preacher in here, order some boxes of wine; funny stuff. Anyway, I’ve heard enough for now Sue. Who wants to order a pizza?
Everyone: I do
Jerry: That’s what Bob said. (Laughing) Alright, everybody pitch in. Joe, you can call if you promise not to call 911. (Hands Joe the phone)
TO BE CONTINUED…
Joe: Alright, what toppings? Actually, nevermind, I’ll pick. I’m going to step outside for a minute.
Jerry: No funny stuff…
Joe: (Outside, dials phone) Ring, ring,
911, what is your emergency?
Uhh, wrong number… Ring, ring
Flab Cabs, where your flab needs our cab. In case of heart attack, please call an ambulance. How can we help you?
Yes, I need to be picked up outside of the OAA building on 5th and Main.
We’ll send a driver right out. By the way, there is a 600lb weight limit. That won’t be a problem right?
No, I’m just a really tall Asian.
Ha, ha, ha…good one! Hey Mac, get a load of what this guy told me… (click)
Piggie’s Pizza, our pizza’s as big around as you are. What can I get you?
What’s up with all the fat lines?
That’s America dude. Land of the free, home of the whopper, Get it? Whopper?
Yeah. I get it. I need 4 of your Bypass Biggies. Seriously? Bypass?
That’s Pizza dude. We load you up, your heart shuts us down. Extra grease?
Uh, no…I want one supreme, one meats, one cheese, one veggie. 5th and Main. Ask for Bob.
Wow! All that is for one dude? Massive! I bet he’ll need Flab Cabs to get out of there… (click)
Sigh…(Thinking to himself) Should I have just called 911? Nah, Jerry will probably fall asleep if he lets Jack is talk anyway. They’ll be fine. At least I got the pizzas. Now look at me. They’ve got me overanalyzing. Cabs here…good riddance.
Cab Driver: Hey! You really are a tall Asian! Can I get a pic with my phone? Ha, already done. The guys will never believe this.
Joe: Sigh…just get me out of here.
I will elbow it in the ribs, and knee it in the crotch too. It will be one kick ass Trifecta. Or it will be impossible. Or it might just suck. Anyway, thanks Philosopher for the toenail suggestion, and Mary i for the elbow and knee suggestion. Now if Trifecta will just pick “unappetizing” for their prompt word, I should have nothing to worry about.
I just tried something that, although it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever tasted, it should probably be consumed mostly by people who are stoned and have the munchies. Not like I’d know anything about that…just “in theory”. The Dorito Taco from Taco Bell. There really isn’t a better way to describe it than a good “munchies” food.
A million times more important than that, we still haven’t heard from Bats. If you pray, pray for her. If you don’t pray, think of her. If you can’t find the time to think of her, then get off my blog. Seriously. This is not just some name. This is life or death. If you can’t understand that, I don’t want you on here.
She got a bag of jelly beans from school for doing some paper. I told her I don’t like jelly beans. She stopped what she was doing, sat straight up with a shocked look on her face and said “then you’re not part of the family”.
Is this jelly bean cult family? Ex-communicated over some candy beans…so sad…
#9. I’m trying to prove that preservatives are bad for you by eating only pre-cooked meals.
#8. It is a chore that never truly ends (similar to laundry and brushing your teeth).
#7. Too many reality tv shows about cooking…it’s way over-rated.
#6. Every ounce of energy and time spent cooking creates a waste after the meal… dishes, trash, leftover storage, moldy disposal of previous leftovers, bodily waste, and don’t get me started on picky eaters or other dinner time drama.
#5. Somehow a hair ends up in too many dishes. (Never the ones we serve to guests so if you are coming over, don’t worry).
#4. The pots and pans look so much nicer when they have never been used.
#3. Every time I chop vegetables, I worry that I might be killing the Veggie Tales characters.
#2. There are so many readily available crappy food restaurants, why make your own?
#1. If God had wanted me to cook, I wouldn’t only be able to make babies in my “oven”.
Today, Pudding Girl tagged me, which is very nice and all, but honestly…I just don’t want to do these things. Please don’t take it personal, cONTEMPORARY mUSINGS, and Adrianna either tagged me or awarded me before, but I didn’t really respond the way I was supposed to. I think it is wonderful that people like to tag me and all that, but I just don’t like following all the rules, so I had an idea:
All the things you data miners wanted to know about me, but haven’t asked, or have asked, but I haven’t replied…in alphebetical order:
A – Alligator skin: don’t really get the concept.
B – Botox?: Yes, have had it and probably will have it every few months, see: http://wp.me/p1Cvgh-w4
C. Coffee: Black…yeah, I’m cool like that.
D. Dogs: Only if they are cats pretending to be dogs.
E. Elvis: Dead…sorry.
F. French kissing: Married people rarely do that.
G. Go-carts: I could probably beat all of you.
H. Hormonal? Always.
I. Ice-cream: Blue Bunny Birthday Party…Food Orgasm material see: http://wp.me/p1Cvgh-Q
J. Jeans: I used to love them, but now I wear sweats all the time since I am in a wheelchair and no one really looks at my butt anymore.
K. Kangaroos: Hmmm…I don’t know where some of these questions come from.
L. Lice: Had once when I was a kid – Realized it wasn’t that great to love those bus kids on the church van…still love them anyway, I just don’t let them sit on my lap anymore.
M. Married: Yes, but thanks for being interested.
N. No? Use the word all the time…I have kids.
O. Ocean: Scared of water…my wheelchair is too heavy and it gets stuck in the sand anyway. As of now, I can still use a walker occasionally, but it gets stuck too.
P. Pee and Poop: Now you are starting to sound like my 7-year-old.
Q. Quarters? Save change and cash in twice a year for Fireworks and Stocking Stuffers.
R. Reality: Wondering if it is real.
S. Strange: Never…who would even think I would be that?
T. Terrible: Cook, Housekeeper, Driver, etc.
U. Ugliness: I think it is just an illusion.
V. Violence: Sucks
W. Words: Best thing ever.
X. Xerox Machines: Never attempted any body part scans.
Y. Youth: Is not as great or horrible as people think.
Z. Zippers: Incredibly jealous of the guy who invented them.
If you follow this blog, consider yourself tagged. You are very welcome. On another note, Edward Hotspur suggested these games:
There’s a scavenger hunt that people could play on both my and Hellis’ blogs, and there’s even prizes for people who win…
OH! There’s also a Choose Your Own Blog Adventure on my blog that people could play. If someone was interested. That might be kind of fun.
Another game would be someone (Hobbler) starts a story with a sentence, and the next person (that she names) makes a post with the next sentence and links back to her first sentence, and so on, until we get a certain number of sentences, say 20. Then Hobbler compiles all the sentences and posts them all together.
I love all three ideas if anyone wants to play, but we need a planner type person who could work out a time frame for each game…or we could just play one each weekend for the next few weeks. Please just let me know.
10. Who occasionally wonders what life would be like if she had never been introduced to chocolate. 9. Who sometimes squints while looking in the mirror so her pimples, worry lines, other skin flaws don’t look so bad. 8. Who … Continue reading
This time of year seems to usher in a whole new sense of believing…believing we are going to accomplish things that realistically are way out of our league. With this in mind, I thought I would make a list of resolutions I might actually be able to keep:
1. Embarrass my children more – Kids grow up fast these days; with all the hormones in our food and water. As parents, it is our responsibility to give our children something they can aspire not to be. Studies have shown that children who were regularly embarrassed by their family members, develop better coping skills and more resilience than kids from well-adjusted families.* The future of the world is in our hands mom and dad…let’s do our part to better society.
2. Develop a bad habit – According to a recent study, it is easier to stop a bad habit than it is to create a good one.* Next New Year’s Day, I plan on having at least 5 or 6 bad habits to resolve to stop.
3. Super-glue my mouth shut – Don’t you hate it when people resolve to be kinder? Or to not talk about themselves all the time? Some people even do silly things like resolving to eat less or stop eating unhealthy foods. When is everyone going to realize that super-glue can fix things will-power would never be able to? Why we squander this resource on merely fixing things is a mystery to me.
4. Exercise more – I’m going to exercise my delegating skills, exercise my remote control, exercise my right to vote, etc. By the end of 2012 I hope to have exercised my way to the top…top of the food chain at least.
5. Give to others – When making this resolution, it is important to realize that you don’t have to have a lot to give a lot. You can give people advice, give out the wrong number, give others a chance…to get out of your way, give your body odor to pleasantly scented rooms, and many other things. Many great leaders will tell you that they never would have made it in their field if it were not for people in their life telling them they would not make it. Who are we to withhold that observation from all we see who are struggling with something? Your harsh criticism might be what pushes them to become the best at whatever they are trying for.
If you have any practical resolutions, feel free to suggest them. By sharing our suggestions we can create accountability for each other and possibly become the people we hate to be around. Let’s do this!
*Any study or other thing suggested in this post is probably around somewhere in the world, but I didn’t actually find it…interactive blogging is my specialty, so find your own statistics.