Holidays…Bah Humbug

Like many other parents, I look forward to certain holidays each year. Most importantly April Fools Day, followed by Christmas, with Halloween and Fourth of July tying for 3rd. This Halloween was no exception. I made a cake (after a … Continue reading

I never believed in ghosts…but now that my cake is disappearing…

It started like any other Friday, I was working diligently, sweat pouring from my brow, on all the daily housework (see that honey); when I realized that it was time for my littlest one to go to school. Since I … Continue reading

Halloween Tips for Vampires: Top Ten

10. Choose and suck blood from people before they go trick-or-treating so your blood sugar levels don’t spike.

9. Remember, vampires have become quite popular these past few years, so before you make some new vampire buddies, make sure they aren’t just faking it…if they are, feel free to feed.

8. Try something new for Halloween. Being a real vampire can really suck the life out of you. 😉 Why not dress like a princess or maybe a dinosaur to shake things up a bit?

7. Beware of strangers. Just because you have a couple of fangs and a few other diversified talents doesn’t mean you can’t fall victim to predators. Carry a small can of mace while trick or treating, just in case the predator doesn’t look to appetizing.

6. Oral hygiene is very important. Your entire existence depends on the condition of those teeth, so be sure to brush regularly.

5. Animals have blood too.  I know that you prefer to suck on human blood, but if you happen to get lost in the woods or locked in a basement surrounded by crosses; rats, crows, even spiders can help your survive.

4. Don’t forget to wash behind your ears. Although most of the times you eat, it shouldn’t be too messy, you might get a squirter now and then, so be sure to clean those “hard to reach” areas.

3. If all else fails, turn into a bat…Oh, that is just in the cheesy vampire movies? I guess if all else fails, feed on a bat.

2. Don’t forget Hollywood. As previously mentioned, vampires have become quite popular and a real vampire could probably get a lead role in a movie quite easily. If the producers say “no thanks”, they probably wont be missed much and can be quite a tasty snack.

1. Have a happy Halloween and don’t forget to floss.

*Tip for dressing up like a vampire – those plastic teeth look goofy and obviously fake. For a great way to make realistic “fangs” buy a pack of Nik-l-Nips from your local dollar store, and use a portion of the wax to mold your own fangs custom-made for your teeth. They are really cheap and have great results.

The following contains disturbing content: viewer discretion advised

This is a post I had sent out in an email last year, but since it is such an important subject, I thought I would have to share it now before you waste your money.

I had a vision. No, this was not a vision of sugar plums dancing in my head, or even a vision of a whopper from Burger King, but something much more disturbing (if you can imagine). I saw in the yard of a house I will probably have to pass another 100 times between now and Halloween some of those idiotic, unsightly, pathetic excuses for a Halloween decoration.

At this time I must put in a disclaimer: *The views expressed in this commentary are not those of any organization that might get associated with this post. They are just some opinions from a woman whose favorite candy is “candy buttons” and who is probably sugared up on them as we speak.

You all know what I am talking about…those blow up balloon decorations that people devalue their yards and neighborhoods with. Whose idea was it to create big balloon characters for yard decorations? Obviously some rich person because believe it or not, PEOPLE ACTUALLY BUY THESE THINGS! And believe me, they are not cheap.  I just looked on and found a “Skeleton on Pipe Organ” on clearance for $76 dollars (it had been $99). By the way, that was SOLD OUT. Now, I must say that the blowup haunted houses did look kind of cool but definitely not $200 cool though which was their approximate prices.

Who has $80 to a couple hundred dollars to spend on a balloon character to disgrace their yards for a couple of weeks. I bet there are plenty of entrepreneurial kids out there who would take $50 dollars to dress up as a skeleton and wave their arms around. Not to mention you have to use some kind of machine to keep those things full of air, and it probably runs up you electric bill. Plus, you know that you are making yourself a target for bored teenagers to take a pair of scissors to. The worst part of all is that these desecration’s are made for every possible holiday now. Someone needs to start a petition to protect our yards and neighborhoods!

If you ask me, the balloon’s heads are not the only ones filled with air. But that’s right, you didn’t ask me, and there are probably many of you out there who love these things and think they are “so cute”. To you I say 1. I think you need to save the eggnog for Christmas (if you know what I mean) and 2. You can’t sue me, I am probably balloon-aphobic which has to be some kind of disease protected by the ADA.