Santa Baby (Mom Version)


If you have not heard this song go to: This Link and hear the real thing first. If you’re familiar with the song, please open this link (or a similar karaoke version of the song) and listen while inserting the following words: … Continue reading

The Road to Hell


Trifecta‘s challenge word “intention”.

The Road to Hell*

‘She looks like she didn’t even take a shower this morning. I would never let mine get away with that. Doesn’t she realize they are in a public place?’

Every judgmental thought and noble intention vanished as her three-year-old threw herself on the floor and screamed those same words she heard so long ago, “but I want it!”

*See comments

You want to be with me?


If you met yourself walking down the street, would you be interested in that person? Would you like to take yourself out for a drink, or maybe take you home to have a little more of an intimate encounter? After a few days would you still want to be with you?

If you are anything like me, you might take a second glance. You may even say hi to yourself, but out for drinks? Bringing that person into your home? That is a little more complicated.

Just so we are clear, I’m not talking about liking the fake you. I’m talking about the real one. The one currently still in her pajamas. The one that can be laughing one minute and crying the next. The one who yells at her kids. The one who hates his job. The ugly one.

There are a lot of things that are out of your control. You may not be perfect, but you can become someone you like. You can also learn to like the person you are. Best of all, you can have a good time doing it. At least I hope so. I’m not my favorite person either, so I hope you don’t mind me tagging along on this journey to wanting to be with ourselves.

Once a week I’ll be posting on this topic. Unless I am hormonal, or pessimistic, or lazy…or busy making excuses. Okay, I’ll post if you show up. We have to like each other while we learn to like ourselves.

Bedtime Stories: Please Check All Large Trunks


This weekend I asked for suggestions for this week’s Trifecta topic. Toenails, and later knees and elbows were the suggestions offered. Trifecta’s challenge for this week was to use the word flight, defined: 3a : a trip made by or … Continue reading

OAA: Week 9 (still)


For the last four episodes, is it four? I can’t really remember. Anyway, Jerry surrounded the building in human manure with the help of his bum friend. He has been holding the members of Over Analyzer Anonymous hostage. Bob just told Jerry and the group why he started OAA. Jerry decided to let him live at least until the others have finished telling their reasons why he shouldn’t kill them.

“Jerry: Can’t you all shut up for 5 minutes? Alright Bob, I won’t kill you yet. You might as well hear the other sob stories. You…your turn…”

Jack: Excuse me Jerry, which of us were you pointing at. From this angle it looked like you were pointing at Jill, but Bill is in that general direction also. For all I know you may be drunk and pointing at an imaginary pink elephant or something. Not that you imagine pink elephants when you are drunk. Hey man, if you do imagine pink elephants, it is okay. There is nothing wrong with that. Your mom probably told you there was huh. I have never understood that. Why can’t little boys like pink elephants or any other thing they want to like? Not that you were drunk when you were a little boy. You don’t have to be drunk to think about pink elephants. I just thought about them, and I am very sober. Please don’t feel like I am judging you if you are drunk. I know that there are many reasons someone…

Jerry: SHUT UP! Look. You seem like a decent sort of psychopath, but if you keep talking I will have to kill you now, and that will freak all you other freaks out so SHUT UP! You Bill, why should I not end your paranoid misery?

Bill: Ha! I knew he’d pick me. Look man, it’s like this…

Jill: No! Don’t say another word Bill. Okay, I did it. I killed my mom and dad, but it was in self-defense! I swear!

Sue: It’s okay Jill, I’m sure it was…

Everyone: Shut up Sue

Jill: I didn’t mean to. Really. They had blindfolded me. I thought they were going to hurt me, and, get this, it was on my birthday! No one wants to die on their birthday. They blindfolded me and they were laughing. Laughing! I didn’t know what to do. I was a kid…8, maybe 11 years old. Billy was watching. He was only 6 or so. He was laughing too, but he didn’t know any better.

They were the ones who knew. I was so scared I was trembling. My mom put her arms around me. I thought at first she was giving me a final hug before they did it. Then she started spinning me around. Can you believe that? Spinning me! They were laughing again and I knew it was the end.

I had to do something. Run, call for help, something, but I was dizzy from the spinning and there was no one around to hear me scream. Finally she stopped turning me, and then they did the strangest thing. They put a weapon in my hands. It was like they wanted me to end their reign of terror. I could see through the crack at the bottom of the blindfold, and I swung that bat like there was no tomorrow. Mom was closest, so I bashed her head in first, and when dad leaned down to shield her from more blows, I smashed his face in too. I didn’t have a choice…

I pulled the blindfold off and grabbed Billy’s hand. As we ran into the woods I saw the thing they were going to use to murder me. It was a pink crown hanging from a tree. This thing was massive and it looked heavy. It probably had a bomb or something in it. My parent’s had been so sadistic they had even put a big 12 on it. The age I turned that day. Sickos.

Anyway, when Billy asked me why I killed them, I told him that they weren’t actually our parents, alien shape-shifters or something is what I told him. I guess that is why he is so screwed up, but I had to tell him something…

I don’t want to go to jail. Please, you all can see what happened right?

Sue: Of course we can see Jill. You didn’t have a choice, poor thing.

Jack: Um Sue, I think the crown was actually a…

Jerry: I thought I told you to shut up boy! Alright Jill, I almost killed you for taking your brother’s turn, but after that story I can see that you are more delusional than Bill is. Nobody move. I have to sit down. Does anyone have an aspirin?

TO BE CONTINUED…

A Life Worth Living?


You would feel the same way if you saw the look in your kids’ eyes. When you can’t tell who is in more pain, you, or your wife watching helplessly. I know the arguments. I know the reasons. I used to believe them too. Believe them…hell, I preached them…

“Your life is not in your hands! It is appointed unto man once to die. Does that say it is appointed unto man once to feel sorry for himself? It is appointed unto man once to feel some pain? If God wanted you to take your life, he would have put an “easy” button on our bodies so we could check out any time the going gets rough. GOD is the one who decides. He can heal or destroy. Blessed be the name of the Lord in sickness and in health.”

Oh yeah, I believed it alright. I’ll never forget the pained look in Stephanie’s eyes after she talked to me about her mom…

“Pastor Bill, what if someone is hurting…scared…”

“You must believe. You must have faith. There is a reason that she is still here. Don’t give in to the temptation to take the easy way out. I know that it is hard, but God can heal! You can’t forget that. He can take her mind and make it sharp again. If he can stop the mouths of lions, don’t you believe he can give your momma some peace?”

“I know he can. He could…you don’t understand though. She doesn’t know who we are. She is scared of the nurses, driven to madness by the constant beeping. If she has a clear moment, she begs us to take her life. The only reason she is even alive now is because of the medications they pump into her.”

“I am sure it is hard. She needs you to be strong…”

We never did finish that conversation. That is the problem with being a pastor. There is always someone waiting in line to shake your hand and tell you “nice sermon”. She probably didn’t think I cared. I know I didn’t fully understand…

I do now though. How the accident happened, I still can’t remember, but I will never forget the look in my kids eyes when they realized I had just lost control of my bowels. The fear in my wife’s face as she realized that the church would only cover the immediate costs from the accident, not the costs of a few months of inpatient care, and a year, if I’m lucky of home health. “Health” in which I will be lucky to remember who my wife is, as the internal injuries slowly kill me. No one should have to watch their kids wipe their dad’s ass or watch their wife give up her life to care for someone whose “life” isn’t really living at all.

Hobbler’s note: I need to know any objections to assisted suicide. Also any views for it. I wrote that story as fiction, but there are many people in far worse shape than anything I can imagine. Please share your opinions. I was born to take this debate to the next level, and this is your chance to make a difference.