I’m trying to heal. To see myself as I really am, Instead of through the skewed lense I am accustomed to. The lense of worthlessness The lense of sharp criticism, so detailed it must be true, Right? When did … Continue reading
He wasn’t very athletic, nor one of those “bad boy” types who seemed to always be sneaking around with a cigarette or a girl.
The fact that girls seemed to go for guys like that, was almost enough to bring him back to the “girls are stupid” phase, except for her. Julie.
She had everything a 14 year old boy could long for and more. The only problem was that Julie was popular, aka blind to the rest of humanity, especially nobodies like him.
So Tod daydreamed about doing something amazing.
When the news segment was about a school shooting in Florida, he fantasized about being the kid who took the gunman down and saved the class.
If the weatherman mentioned the possibility of strong storms, he fantasized about leading Julie’s class out of a damaged school.
Even his dreams were about giving Julie the Heimleich maneuver or saving her from a distracted driver at the crosswalk.
He’d be the hero somehow. It felt like his destiny.
In one year he’d gone from being unpopular to the most popular kid in school, and now, here he was reading a note from Julie, and she’s calling him her hero.
One year of tests, diagnoses, medications and hospitals was all it took to be a hero. Well, that and his life.
He’d never imagined dying in a hospital bed before he turned 16, but he could feel it coming. Funny, he thought to himself.
I know you’re scared,
You don’t know what to think.
What to do.
I don’t either.
I do know it will be okay.
You are strong.
The only thing that is real
This moment where we are traveling through cyberspace.
I’ve traveled the dimensions of time and space.
To meet you.
To hug you in a weird way
And to tell you
It will be okay.
Stop playing me.
Stop using me.
Stop toying with me.
Stop taking advantage of me.
Stop hurting me.
Stop destroying me and then reviving me so you can destroy me again.
I’m so tired of it.
Tired of hoping.
Tired of caring.
Tired of thinking.
Tired of you.
So stop. Go away or come back so I can pretend I don’t want you to leave.
Maybe I don’t.
Maybe all I want is for you to stop.
I’m captured by you.
Bound by you.
Tortured by you.
Turned on by you.
Thrilled by you.
Hurt by you.
Consumed by you.
You make me laugh.
You make me cry.
You sicken me.
You control me.
I can’t put you down.
I can’t escape you.
I can’t erase you.
I am yours.
This second, this minute, this hour.
Until I turn the last page.
I am your reader.
I had the strangest dream last night.
I must admit it felt so right.
I was alone, (or so it seemed)
Till it appeared, (or so I dreamed).
The rarely seen, mysterious beast
Upon whom I like to feast.
It drew me in, this twitching string.
I played the cat, clawed at the thing.
Focus on, my mind entranced
Spellbound as the string danced.
I finally caught the elusive thing;
That taunting, disappearing string.
It felt so good between my paws,
Tasting it within my jaws.
Did I play with it, or it with me?
One day the truth I just might see.
It doesn’t matter either way,
The game is fun when both can play.
But now it’s time to groom my fur.
To rub a leg and start to purr.
One day we will meet again.
My muse, and captivating friend.
Tired of wishing on stars.
Tired of dreaming the impossible dream.
Tired of waiting for answers.
Tired of hoping things will change.
Things won’t change.
But I can.
I can know instead of believe.
I can stop wishing and just enjoy the stars.
I can wake from impossible dreams and see what really is possible.
I can find out instead of waiting for answers from something else.
I can change instead of hoping my world will.
Belief is an excuse if there is no movement behind it.
Wishes need dedication to become reality.
Dreams can prevent you from seeing the beauty in each moment.
Waiting for answers is never as satisfying as discovering the truth.
Hoping things will change, can keep you from changing yourself.
Hello reality. Hello action. Hello me. Hello you?
You came upon me one long night, Or was it me drawn to your plight? It doesn’t matter very much Except those nights I miss your touch. It’s those that have me wondering, Why did your words make my … Continue reading
So many people have an idea of what “happily ever after” looks like. I realized tonight that my “happily ever after” doesn’t look anything like the typical hopes and dreams most people have.
Some of us are cut from a different mold, and maybe, just maybe, it is okay to want something different. I will always value the fairy tale from a literary standpoint, and I am hopeful for those who choose to follow that path.
My own story will have a much different ending, hopefully still filled with excitement and adventure, but I don’t want a fairy tale prince (or princess for that matter).
I think some people are meant to be alone, and I honestly think I’m one of them. Why should that be a sad thing?
I want passionate lovers to color the pages of my book, but I want to be the author of the story. I want whirlwind romances to sweep me off my feet, but am I wrong for hoping they don’t linger too long?
I’m a writer. Maybe not the best writer, but can a fairy tale still exist without the romantic “and they lived happily ever after” at the end? Continue reading