Curious…


You all know I’m planning on killing myself in 2027 right? I want to talk about all the reasons why somewhere, so I need your advice.

Should I write about it for wordpress or whatever, or should I make a video saying it? I’m better at writing than I am at talking, but I think the video might be more impactful. Advice?

Advertisements

On death:


20140812-162734.jpg

Hallie wrote a post about the death of Robin Williams and her feelings about it. It’s an excellent post and very thought provoking. Check it out, but also, I commented over there and this is my comment:

Life is a journey for some, and a dental visit for others.

Everybody likes to see the end result, the beautiful smile, but no one cares about the pain that formed that smile. Of the countless hours of agony.

Constantly trying to convince yourself the expense, time, and energy spent creating your “smile” aka “life” is worth it. All the pain, revision after revision, trying to be perfect, or at least okay…maybe not okay to the world, but okay to yourself. Yet time after time, effort after effort, the world thinks its great, and yet you see the same face in the mirror.

It’s exhausting and defeating and at times unbearable. He showed the world a beautiful smile. Those who miss him ache for the beauty, but we need to also recognize the pain he must have endured, and we should appreciate the strength he fought for so long with. He is free now. Heaven, hell, nothing, I don’t know…but I long for freedom too.

Please talk with me in the comments people! Tell me your thoughts on life, death, suicide, celebrity, etc. I need distraction from my mind.

Trifextra: Leap


Trifextra:

Forty-three years ago today, Neil Armstrong became the first person to ever walk on the moon.  In celebration of Moon Day we want you to write 33 words about someone who took a giant leap.  It can mean whatever you’d like, just make sure you write exactly 33 words.

When do you realize you are out of options?

Planes crashing.

Smoke.

Heat.

Building moaning.

People screaming.

Scent of desperation.

Choices ending.

Glass breaking.

Man leaping.

Towers falling.

No good options.

Encompassing death.

A Life Worth Living?


You would feel the same way if you saw the look in your kids’ eyes. When you can’t tell who is in more pain, you, or your wife watching helplessly. I know the arguments. I know the reasons. I used to believe them too. Believe them…hell, I preached them…

“Your life is not in your hands! It is appointed unto man once to die. Does that say it is appointed unto man once to feel sorry for himself? It is appointed unto man once to feel some pain? If God wanted you to take your life, he would have put an “easy” button on our bodies so we could check out any time the going gets rough. GOD is the one who decides. He can heal or destroy. Blessed be the name of the Lord in sickness and in health.”

Oh yeah, I believed it alright. I’ll never forget the pained look in Stephanie’s eyes after she talked to me about her mom…

“Pastor Bill, what if someone is hurting…scared…”

“You must believe. You must have faith. There is a reason that she is still here. Don’t give in to the temptation to take the easy way out. I know that it is hard, but God can heal! You can’t forget that. He can take her mind and make it sharp again. If he can stop the mouths of lions, don’t you believe he can give your momma some peace?”

“I know he can. He could…you don’t understand though. She doesn’t know who we are. She is scared of the nurses, driven to madness by the constant beeping. If she has a clear moment, she begs us to take her life. The only reason she is even alive now is because of the medications they pump into her.”

“I am sure it is hard. She needs you to be strong…”

We never did finish that conversation. That is the problem with being a pastor. There is always someone waiting in line to shake your hand and tell you “nice sermon”. She probably didn’t think I cared. I know I didn’t fully understand…

I do now though. How the accident happened, I still can’t remember, but I will never forget the look in my kids eyes when they realized I had just lost control of my bowels. The fear in my wife’s face as she realized that the church would only cover the immediate costs from the accident, not the costs of a few months of inpatient care, and a year, if I’m lucky of home health. “Health” in which I will be lucky to remember who my wife is, as the internal injuries slowly kill me. No one should have to watch their kids wipe their dad’s ass or watch their wife give up her life to care for someone whose “life” isn’t really living at all.

Hobbler’s note: I need to know any objections to assisted suicide. Also any views for it. I wrote that story as fiction, but there are many people in far worse shape than anything I can imagine. Please share your opinions. I was born to take this debate to the next level, and this is your chance to make a difference.

Thank you: Part Two


I kept it buried deep inside
  The secret pain was easy to hide.
I laughed, I smiled, I loved, I lost,
  No one knew the infinite cost.
Of trying just to stay alive.
  Of holding fears and doubts inside.
It was easy just to fake a smile
  Easy to pretend a while.
But little did the whole world know
  That loneliness doesn’t always show.
My life, my lies, had torn apart
  The fragile pieces of my heart.
I’d been so close to giving up
  I’d tasted of that poison cup.
But then one day I failed to stand.
  And someone reached out a helping hand.
The funny thing, I came to see
 Was that they were just as broken as me.
They needed me just as much
  As I needed their loving touch.
Our pain can be the ties that bind
  The fragments of our hearts and minds.
A life was saved, an illusion tossed
  Heartbreak might come, but not all is lost.

Sorry, I couldn’t really post everything I wanted to say earlier. Bats is alive…okay…thankful. I am too.

I knew that there were plenty of bloggers who care, but yesterday proved that fact. Over 300 people viewed my posts about Bats, and many of you went on her blog and commented…just incredible things. I don’t really know what to say other than thank you. You have played a huge part in Bats life, and in mine. I have mentioned in the past that over the years I have become quite cynical of life and people in general. I see a lot of the good in people, but I also see a lot of the fake side of people. Since I am disabled, people in general are nice to me. That is good, and I really appreciate it, but watching how people treat me verses others is quite interesting, to say the least.

We all have chains. Some of mine are pretty obvious, like the wheelchair or walker, but others lie under the surface. Those hidden chains can be more painful and destructive than any physical quality I have. As we’ve all seen, other people are struggling to break free of some of their own pain. Their own cages. Sometimes the easiest, and most definite way to break free of something seems to be suicide. That battle to give in to the “escape forever” route is a constant struggle for me, and I’m sure others. It isn’t something that you can just “get over”. It isn’t “selfish” when one of the biggest reasons you want to do it, is because you think people really would be better off without you. Suicide, or other self-destructive things are not just people being freaks, or people being stupid, or whatever. It is an outward manifestation of an internal struggle that goes way deeper than any particular “cause”.

The thing about blogging is that each day people cross our paths that we often don’t think about other than the number of comments on a post, or how many people followed your blog. This is a luxury I don’t want to take. It is hard to connect with everyone who steps briefly into our lives, but sometimes it is good for us to try. My blog is not designed for self-help or a support group. It is not something that people would pull up right away if they did a search for suicide, or pain, or heartbreak; but I have had enough experience with these issues to know how to talk to someone else who is struggling. I also know enough about those subjects to know that sometimes it is best not to talk, but to just listen, or even just be there. I’d like to think that each of us has something that we know a little too well. Our hardships don’t have to just stay buried. They don’t have to be chains that hold us back. They can be chains that connect us to other people who can help us or need us to help them. I hope that makes sense.

Forever grateful, blogger number 5,186,209 Rebekah. Another wounded soul.

Can’t think of a good title for this…


I just tried something that, although it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever tasted, it should probably be consumed mostly by people who are stoned and have the munchies. Not like I’d know anything about that…just “in theory”. The Dorito Taco from Taco Bell. There really isn’t a better way to describe it than a good “munchies” food.

A million times more important than that, we still haven’t heard from Bats. If you pray, pray for her. If you don’t pray, think of her. If you can’t find the time to think of her, then get off my blog. Seriously. This is not just some name. This is life or death. If you can’t understand that, I don’t want you on here.

Help please


We have a friend who is hurting. Broken really. She put a cry for help out on her blog last night. Although a few of us saw, and tried to help, she hasn’t been active at all for the last 10 hours or so. She didn’t think anyone cared, but I know that even if you don’t personally know her, we are a community that cares deeply for each other.

I don’t know if she is okay. I don’t even know if she is alive, but if she is, she needs to know we see her. Please take a minute and let her know she is not alone.

http://bats0711.wordpress.com/