This is seriously the grossest thing ever.

  Stop reading this. You will regret going on. Just walk away.

You just couldn’t help yourself? Fine, but don’t whine and cry and call me nasty or anything like that. I warned you.

I’m a woman. As a woman I have a monthly subscription to Satan’s river. Through the miracle of modern science and engineering, we women have a selective array of products to facilitate or rather hide the rivers’ flow when it comes.

Okay, last chance guys. Believe me, you don’t want to read more.

One of these ingenious products is a plug, otherwise known as a tampon.

Now, I’ve been off my period for a week or so, but several days ago I became disturbed by a rather offensive odor which seemed to be coming from my lady parts. I did what I could, frequent showers, etc, but the odor persisted and seemed to be getting worse.

I assumed I was dying of some horrible and humiliating disease or something, and began preparing my last will and testament, when I thought “maybe it’s a yeast infection”, so I put some ointment on my finger and it began its trek into the depths of my…well, me.

Suddenly I felt something that didn’t feel like me, and I realized “ahhhhh!!! it’s a tampon! Gross! Gross! Gross! Etc.” for about 10 minutes as I fished the disgusting thing out. It was horrible. Traumatizing. Nasty. 

So I looked it up and apparently it happens a lot. Women see their doctor and stuff to have it taken out, so I didn’t feel like as much of a sicko. So that’s it. Told you it was gross. 

I’m smelling better now, and it can actually be dangerous to leave a tampon in, so I guess I’m fortunate in that regard that it wasn’t life threatening.

In the future, I’m going to have to make tally marks for tampon insertion and retrieval or something, because this was one experience I don’t want a repeat of. 

To My Husband: 1st date truth

First of all, I am a little offended that you all didn’t think I went to a strip club on our first date. What, I’m not good enough to frequent strip clubs? What a bunch of judgmental bloggers…

Anyway, you were right, no drunken strip club that night.

In the interest of not boring anyone, how long do you think we dated before I was diagnosed with MS?

PMS is real. Lock me up.

For the past few days I have added something about being hormonal to many of the comments I have made. Since it appears that I am the only one who is talking about this, I feel a responsibility to address … Continue reading

Controversial Topic: Beware

Sshh! No talking! sign

There are some things that are better left unsaid. Like “I have really bad diarrhea” or “Your nose is too big”. There are plenty of appropriate things to talk about, but there are a few things that should be left unsaid unless you are a professional at whatever you are talking about, or if you are on the Dr. Oz show.

One of these topics is the direction a roll of toilet paper should be in. This topic has come up several times in our marriage, and throughout the years I have found myself siding with my husband’s opinion. He thinks the roll of toilet paper should be positioned so that the loose end comes out on top of the roll. Some people place it so the end comes out underneath the roll. I used to not care either way, but living with a person with OCD, or at least some traces of it, has a way of helping you realize the hidden dangers/annoyances of every day life. *See Rules for Being a Pessimist.

I also have some friends (I know, you didn’t think I would have any left after this post, but since they don’t read my blog we are still cool) who I think have some OCD themselves. So, I guess my question for all of you is, which way should the toilet paper go? I have also been informed that certain people think women put it the wrong way (comes out underneath) more often than men, so it is quite important that we come to a conclusion. When we do, we can begin informing which ever gender is wrong that they are truly wrong.

Thanks for your help.